You

You know who you are and saying thank you would be too trite, too disrespectful, let me just say that you honored humanity's highest creed ever. Gratitude is not strong enough of a word to describe what I feel. Favors such as this can never be returned – it demeans the act, so generous, so grand, so unselfish.

If somebody up there is keeping an account, I will gladly vouch for the accuracy of yours. I wish you good things, only good things.

Trial and error

I tried. Tried a few times. Didn't have the courage to re-live the moments. I knew all along that it will be tough, but I couldn't even imagine that it was going to be so hard on me. I tried to write about what happened but couldn't.

The throat keeps choking, there is a burning sensation in the nose and the eyes just get misty. Whenever I started writing, I had to stop soon becuase my vision was blurred by those tears streaming down my cheek. I have decided that I don't want to write down what I went through. I don't want to transcribe what I still have nigthmares about. This shall forever remain locked in the deepest darkest dungeons of my memories, with the faint hope that time will make me misplace the keys or atleast forget the way through the maze leading to it.

I am not even sure if my rudimentary knowledge of the language gives me the depth and the breadth to describe the emotions that I felt. No language in the world can do justice to the feelings. Feelings are meant to be felt not read about.

Human emotions are such a fickle thing. The more you want to forget, the more it keeps coming back to haunt you. I will write a piece (instead of the three I promised) about my long absence. My way of expressing my gratitude to the one who gave me my words. Not sure when I will write it, not sure if it will be my very next piece. But it is out there....as soon as I get the strength to hold back these tears.

Explanations and Excuses

I know I have been away for way too long now. So much has happened in the intervening time and I have so much to say that I am not sure all will fit in one blog. I think I will break it into three pieces. I have been trying to put off writing all this(Besides the fact that I was genuinely busy).

Words are tripping over each other waiting to get out, a jumbled mess is what they has become. The words are shouting, each one louder than the one before in an effort to be heard. But these are the words that I wish I didn't even have to think, much less write. It pains my heart to realize that what I have feared most in the last few years, has come true. But even in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine that the reality will be so much harder...

The heart has it's reasons

Read this a long time ago...Very mean, very devious...but so...from the heart.

If you broke my heart into a thousand pieces,
I wouldn't take the time to pick them up,
instead, I would leave them there,
hoping that one day,
you will pass by and cut your foot.

Oh Life

Life offers you tickets to places you never thought you wanted to go anyway, and THEN it makes you pay the fare...

Say What!

Sometimes, it amazes me to think how some smudges of ink on a piece of paper can convey the myriad feelings. How is it that the smudges take the form of characters, characters form words, words form sentences and sentences give meaning to a thought. How is it that the shapeless, formless thought that is floating around in your mind suddenly seems so meaningful, so alive to those who can decipher those smudges.

But the words don't always need the crutches of a language. How else will you explain the communication between people and their pets. Communication that is totally lacking a common language but not really missing it. Why is it then that when two people want to coommunicate, they need a common language. Or sometimes, even when they have a common language, they fail to communicate with each other.

I have always maintained that words are not my friends. But the fact is that words are my beloved friend and my dreaded foe. Words have got me into some tough spots and got me out of lots of others. Words have betrayed me at the worst possible moment and words have been my lifeline. Words have been my confidante and my Brutus. Somehow, I am always wary of trusting the words that roll off my tongue or the ones that emrge out of my pen.

Yawn!!

Just too lazy to post these days.

Somehow, whenever the thoughts that I want to write, come to my mind, I am not near a computer. When I am near a computer, the thoughts refuse to even be anywhere near my brain.

So much to say, no language to say it in...

Tall Tales

When I was a kid, I wanted to be tall. I wanted to be 6' 2". I wanted to be tall so that everybody will look upto me. As I grew up, I realized that I will never be 6'2". That's when I decided that if I can't be 6'2", I will act 6'2". I will still give people lots of reasons to look upto me.

Vroooom....

Saw this a few days ago...cracked me up...

I was at this desi nick-nack shop munching on my microwaved samosa and sickly-sweet chutney when this yellow porsche boxster pulls into the parking spot bang in front of the shop. The guy had the top off(of the car, you sick minds). He was all style, and very aware of the envious gazes of everybody around him.

Quite a few couples walked by, the guys would turn around and look longingly at the car (Hot gals and hot wheels always makes us guys go rubber-necking) . The girls would look at the porsche guy and wonder why there man doesn't have something like it. Anyway, I digress...

So this guy walks in to the desi convenience store and walks out. Looks here and there with the look that all porsche owners give to the honda owners, raises his hand to put on his aviators and...there was a VHS tape in his hand!! It was such a contrast that people around him started giggling. This guy owns a porsche but doesn't even have a DVD player!! c'mon, It costs only 40 bucks. Probably less than a tank of gas for him. Anyways, all the other guys around him(including yours truly) felt just soooo good. It was a relief akin to the realization that the hot gal you just saw with another man is acutally his sister! Envy givs way to pity :-)

Multiple Personality

I think I have a serious multiple personality disorder. For a while now I have been thinking of posting something light on this blog but no, nothing, nada, zilch...The mind draws a blank. I cannot write anything light whereas in normal course, I do take pride in my sense of humor. I have relied on my sense of humor to wiggle my way out of some tough situations.

I have always maintained that words are not my best friends. Hell, they never come to my assistance when I need them anyway. Whatever happened to "a friend in need" stuff?

Somehow when I write, I cannot be not serious(get it??). And when I speak, I cannot be serious at all. Maybe I hide behind the facade of humor because of my inability to come up with the right words at the right time. Most of the time, I don't even know what the right words are.

I have often been misunderstood due to what I say. I believe that those who know me will understand that what I say may not be what I mean. I guess....Those who mind, don't matter, those who matter, don't mind.

Someone told me once: "you are a study in contradictions. When I read what you write, it makes me cry, when I am with you, you make me laugh. You are a different person altogether when you are writing. "

And I always blame it on the damn twins that are sitting cozily in my birth sign.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

One of these days I am gonna jot down my varied travel experiences. A travelog or something. I have met some interesting characters...and then some. Seems like characters crawl out of the woodwork to bump into me....

Keep tuned.

Back Again!

All right. I am back. Pormise to be much more regular in blogging now. Last month was crazy crazy crazy. Here is a quick update on what happened last month:

• Moved from chicago to seattle.
• Missed the flight that I was meant to be on. Thankfully got the next flight out. Long live premier status!!
• Trying to adjust to the new place. Very different from Chi-town. Very less cosmo. But nice nonetheless.
  
• Weather is good. But it gets old. The constant cloudy weather was fun for a few days now it is becoming an omnipresent feature. Gimme mah sun
  
• Still flying between Seattle and Detroit. Long flight maaan.
  
• Bought a house!!!
• Went through quite a few. Liked one. Bought it.
• The process is long and un-nerving. Being a first time buyer...not fun at all. The constant travel made it very difficult to manage things.
• But I LOVE the place.
• Moving into it tomorrow.
• Thus begins the homeowner's headaches.
• Life goes on...
  

I'll be baaack

It has been a long hiatus. Didn't mean to disappear for so long but the last month has been anything but slow. So much has happened so quickly that I need some time to relax. In the last month or so, I packed my bags from chicago, moved to seattle and now closing on a home(hopefully) in the next few days. I have jammed enough in this last month or so.

I need to take a deep breath and collect myself and then start blogging then. Shouldn't take too long. Maybe by the end of this month...watch this space.

Blowin' in the wind

Last friday's plane ride was an unforgettable one for a variety of reasons. This being the tornado season, the rides are never very pleasant. And for a person who's scared of the turbulence(yours truly), it is always a nightmare. So I wasn't very pleased while heading towards the airport anyway. Besides, Detroit-Chicago being a short flight, the airlines always use the "puddle-jumpers" for the commute. These planes sway like the proverbial leaf in the slightest of the winds.

Anyway, I get to the airport and realize that my 7:45 flight has been delayed to to 10:30. Not willing to wait that long, I asked for a standby in the 7pm flight and thanks to my frequent flier status, I got the seat. The flight was dealyed to about 8:30.

I got a seat towards the back of the plane. I was cursing my luck about this when this hot babe sat down next to me. Now, this never-EVER happens to me. I always get the most unhappening companions. As I was looking out of the window to see if I could spot my guradian angel and give a personal thanks, I heard: "I think you are on my seat...". Knowing what awaited me, I told myself not to look but then curiosity got the better of me and I turned. Sure enough, my diet-companion had been swapped with a super-sized one. The physical distance between me and the other window seat kept me from wiping the stupid grin off the face of my ex-companion's new companion. It being a short-flight was my only consolation. (How much conversation will he be able to make in 45min anyway!)

As the grim realization dawned on me that I won't be getting much of the arm-rest tonight, I sunk further in my seat and settled for a snooze. About 10minutes from landing, I was shaken by a jolt. As I got up ready to punch the face of the "super-size", I realized the real cause.

On my side of the window, the sky was totally dark. I could see some lightening bolts in the distance too. I strained to look at the other side and saw that it was bright and sunny. It was very surreal, almost scenic in it's contrast. Just as we got closer to the ground, it started raining hard. The visibility was down to zero on my side with all the fog. Our plane started heading towards the ground at an angle of almost 45. Too steep for my liking. Suddenly the plane increased speed, chaneged course and started climbing at an angle of 45. The engines were groaning with the strain but we were going higher and higher. The turbulence was getting worse. Then the pilot's voice boomed: "As you saw, we couldn't make that one, we will be going back for another pass". This was crazy, we were gonna attempt that again!! Can't we stay up here for a while? But we did, and made a shaky but remarkable landing after some more bumps. Some people clapped when we got down. The pilot did an awesome job of controlling the plane.

After we got down, we thanked the pilot and asked him the reason for such a maneouver. He said: wind shear. Knowing that I won't like what I will see, I googled it today and came up with this...

wind shear - localised change in wind speed and/or direction over a short distance, resulting in a tearing or shearing effect, usually at low altitude, that can cause a sudden loss of airspeed with occasionally disastrous results if encountered when taking-off or landing.

More info:
http://www.geo.mtu.edu/department/classes/ge406/jmedward/windsheer/sheardef.htm

PS- One of these days, I am gonna write a long column on what all I am scared of...though I am a living breathing proof that confronting your fears doesn't help. Theoratically, if I had a penny for all the times that I have done things that I am scared of, I would be able to retire right now. But in reality, I am still broke and still phobic.

Comfortably numb

I have realized that our actions are conscious but their basis seldom is. This struggle that we always run away from is what keeps returning to us. To face it or to make it an excuse for what we could have been but are not , is in our hands.

As I complete 5 years in the same job, many a question spring forth in my usually barren mind. Have I become so comfortable here that I dread the change that another job might bring? Am I scared of having to prove myself again? But then isn't that what I do in every project I go to. Will it be very different with a new job? I know I work hard but is that certain spark missing? The spark that makes the difference between a job and a career?

I have never considered this job to be my career. Maybe that's the reason that I am unwilling to fight if things don't go my way. I give my best to every thing I do becuase I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I am my own toughest critic. But as soon as the inner me is satisfied that I can do it, I lose interest in the job.

I know for sure I won't be doing this job forever. Though I don't know (yet!) what I will do. But I am certain that this is not it. Once I had the ambition to go high, higher than the mountains whose tops are lost in clouds. Time has made a realist of me though.

Here's to finding new frontiers, to reaching for the moon, to looking at the sun with just my hand to shade my eyes and to aiming for the stars..."Ad Astra, Per Aspera".

Run Tintin Run

That's what life has become lately. An endless marathon. A race where there are no people midway to hand you a glass of water. I have been running so hard and so long and the checkered flag is nowhere in sight.

I have often wondered...can I slow down. Invariably, the answer is - do I want to? I have been in this mode for so long that I don't know otherwise. Life is a mad rush and I damn well like it that way.

I have always been a light sleeper. Think it is a waste of time to sleep too much when I can be doing so much more. I once calculated...if a person sleeps for 6 hrs a day all his life and gets to live to a hundred, he has spent about 25 yrs of his life just sleeping( a quarter of 100...get it?). On the other hand if a person sleeps for 8 hrs a day, that is about 33 1/3 yrs in bed!!! So if you shave off just two hours from your sleep everyday, you get over 8 yrs to do so much stuff. I know this is silly maths but somewhere somehow it struck a chord.

I know all the proponents to sleep will be sharpening their knives but hey, I am giving you just numbers...refute it if you can. And no, I am not planning to sleep only 4 hrs and save aother 8 yrs. I am human after all. Plus I love my bed too much to ignore it like that :-)

Maybe, one of these days, I will slow down to stuff a fistful of sky in this cluttered life. I will slow down to wish some secret wishes on the eyelashes that fall off to rest on the surprised cheeks. I will slow down and gaze through all this ozone layer to find my shooting star. I will slow down to play in the wet puddles and pile some wet sand on the beaches to pass them off as castles. I will slow down and follow the path of the fallen leaf as it floats away on water. Maybe, just maybe...

Dream on...

I have often wondered if there are any meanings to the dreams that I dream (the ones that happen during sleep. I know the meaning behind most of my day-dreams :-).

I know there have been many a study in this field and many people out there have got their PhD while dreaming, I mean, studying about dreams. But how does all that apply to me? Do people dream similar stuff (falling from heights, and my personal favorite-naked in the classroom etc) ? Do people only dream about things and places they already know? Do they always remember the dreams or do they mostly forget? Or does it differ from person to person?

I often forget my dreams. I dream about things and places that I don't recall seeing. If the dreams are a reflections of our sub-conscious mind then how can I dream about unknown things? Sometimes I wake up with a lingering feeling of what I dreamt about. I have often woken up feeling sad becuase of a dream although I can't remember anything about it. Sometimes when I go back to sleep, the dream goes on just like a movie post-intermission.

The most disturbing dream I have had concerns being on this lonely road...and it keeps coming back. And it is always the same road, same sequence of events. Though I can't remember much of it now, I know that it is the same when I dream it. It is disturbing becuase it happens again and again and the same thing. And I don't recall seeing that road ever. Nothing bad happens during the dream...I am just there. I am pretty sure if I see that road anywhere, I will recognize it...and that will be one scary moment!!

The end is the beginning

Today is my birthday. I turn the big three-oh! I guess this is the time for nostalgia, for reminiscing on the days gone by, the decade of my life that just ended. For this day on, I shall be referred to as being in the thirties (I see some rolling of the eyes here...). A whole new demographic. Now I will be considered to be in a different statistic when people do their inane surveys. All you surveyors out there, I will change your results from now on. This is my revenge on you for asking me those stupid questions.

Not so long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away, I had decided that I will re-evaluate where I am when I turn 30 on 30. The day I pass the milestone, I will re-think my options, I will possibly change the course of my future. Will decide on doing something entirely different if what I am doing right now is not working out. But things happened on the way. I am a few years behind my schedule. The revaluation has to happen, today is just not the right time. I heard this somewhere: Every few years, you have to shake yourself, you have to break yourself and then you have to remake yourself, otherwise monotony will kill you.

One of these days, I will also pen down some thoughts on this change of decade. I remember writing some nice words when I last flipped over a decade. It was a nice piece on the loss of teen years. Somehow I never kept a copy and the original was lost in the numerous moves in the intervening years. Oh well, another thing on my to-do list.

Any Color as long as it is black

I realize that my last few posts have been fairly dark. But then there really is no color like black. Black is beautiful. Black is the new black.

Black is the only color you can express so colorfully. The other emotions can just not be put into words half as beautiful. After all, you can see the rainbow only on a cloudy day. Sun doesn't go very well with it.

I always think of myself as having a sunny personality. But when I write, somehow the words that come out aren't half as sunny or half as cheerful.

Oh well, I will try and lighten up some posts now. Or atleast not have too many of the dark ones in succession :-D

I am a stranger here myself

Sometimes I get this feeling that I am like a fish out of water. (Not that I know what a fish out of water will feel like. Maybe the way I will feel in water. I guess it's the proverbial fish we are talking about.) The one that is out of the familiar place. I need my familiar place, my happy corner. But no matter how much I try, I can't come up with this happy place. Where is it? What exactly am I looking for? Am I on the right path or did I take a wrong turn a few streets ago? is this a one way street with all the traffic coming from the opposite direction?

So many times it just happens that people are talking to me but all I can hear is noise. Words don't make any sense. They might as well be speaking some other language. Is it just ADD or does my mind just turn off at times. I feel like I want to run away. Maybe I am just too lazy to run away. Can we get a cab here please?

The words trip over each other while trying to get out. The tongue falters. The mind stubs it's toe. The thoughts appear too many and too fast but vaporize even faster. The mind is a blank slate one moment and a mesh of live wires the next. Which one diffuses the bomb? Red or blue? Or is it mauve? or azure?

What exactly is my problem? Do I think too much or too little? Am I too laid back or is it that I have stopped caring? Do I worry too much or not enough? Why do I always think in questions?

What if the problem is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

Whatever!

Time has worn out some jagged edges and made a skeptic out of me. (Cynic, although, maybe a better term.) Incompetent people still infuriate me. Tantrums still surprise me. Idiots still annoy me. People still amuse me. Work still doesn't excite me. Travel, though, doesn't push the right buttons any more.

the mind wanders.....the thoughts seem to be in an endless pit. For every step they take up, they slip two down. every thought is incomplete but seems to start another chain reaction. why do my glasses sit funny on my nose. when I try to read, why do I see half the page from the lens and half without it. why is the sunlight reflecting off the whiteboard at the far end and onto my table. why does the red tap give out cold water? why does the girl two cubes away from me drag her feet while walking? do the thumb tacks in my cube spell something? Am I going cuckoo?

the words are meaningful but sentences are incoherent. After a long time felt like putting pen on paper. the handwriting is awful, I will stick to keyboard. the mind feels like a blank slate but the fingers are moving rapidly on the keyboard. words are emerging on the notepad. words that seem to have no connection to what I am thinking but still are a part of me.

meeting some nice people on the project. some are a pain. some insist on talking in jargons all the time. what is wrong with saying "making money on the project" vis-a-vis "generating revenue streams". And what the hell does synergy mean anyway.

I am happy being an imperfect human being. People who lay the claim to perfection scare me. I am uncomfortable around gods anyway.

Thoughts trail off......

Busybee

I wonder how people manage to pack so much in one day. Lately my days have been so busy that it is becoming increasingly difficult to pack everything in 24 hours. Come to think of it, even if a day had 48 hours, I would have been just as busy.

Read this somewhere:
"They say everbody is put on this earth to complete a specific set of tasks. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die!!"

How is it possible that as soon as I scratch one thing off my to-do list, 3 more are added. The to-do list keeps getting longer and longer as the body grows tired. The mind warns me to stop but the feet keep marching on.

Here's to taking the time off to walk bare feet on dew-smeared grass, to admire the sun-kissed dandelions, to look at the shooting stars running off in a huff, to take that extra microsecond to blink, to chart the course of the autumn leaf as it falls to the ground and to look up on a misty day and count the colors of the rainbow. To the to-do list that is the ignored bullet point on the life's to-do list.

Et Tu

I am sure there are a lot of crazy U2 fans out there but after what I did or their last concert, I surely must deserve an honourable mention if not a gold plated place in the rock-fans hall-of-fame.
The saga beagn about 3 months ago when I heard U2 will be performing in town as part of their Vertigo tour, I had that strange giddy feeling....vertigo i think it is called :-)

So I was on the net as soon as the tickets went on sale. After 20 unsuccessful minutes, I managed to get the prized seat in the third show. All three shows were sold out in less than 30 minutes!!

The D-Day
Just so happened that the day of the concert, I managed to be stuck in a town 300 miles away from concert. I made a decision to take half a day off, cover the distance in car, attend the concert and be back in the office for next day's work. The stupidity of the idea was written all over it but then people have done crazier things for a concert(or so I told myself).

So I started from Detroit (!) around 1pm and drove all the way to Chicago. Reached there around 6pm. Quickly changed into something non-office and then headed to the venue. The opening act was King of Leons. By the way they were singing, the days of their kingdom are numbered.

Then......(drumroll here)...Bono came on stage. Man, is he a showman. Every bit of it. He oozes cool. He reeks of attitude but damn he is good. and May 10 happens to be his birthday!!! Tha was the icing on the cake. He kept the house on their toes for a little over two hours.

As soon as we finished. I ran home. Switched into office clothes and started driving back. Reached Detroit at 6am, took a quick shower and was back in the office. Worked all day like a zombie and when i finally managed to retire, I had been up for 42 hours and had driven over 600 miles AND had worked almost two full days in office.

But I guess, in the end, the concert totally made it worth it...

The Talented Mr Tintin

Hmmm, talent and Mr Tintin. Not the pair of words you would usually use in the same sentence. I have often wondered what talent I have. Actually, make that, I have often wondered if I have a talent. Everbody is good at something or the other. Something that they make as a hobby or just like to brag about. Some can tell the model of the airplane by just looking at it from the ground (not that I will know if they are right or not). Some can do the same to birds or trees (tell the species that is). What is my talent? Reading books and then forgetting what it was about? Knowing the layout of most of the airport terminals of the world? A sneeze that makes people jump out of their skin?

Reminds me of a friend of mine who used to say: "It amazes me that everybody around me is good at something. Some are good in sports, some of them can play an instrument, some can sing, dance, talk, walk or do a hundred different things. Me, I am average at most of the things and good at nothing. I can't sing, I can't play an instrument, I can't dance, I can't climb rocks, I am not a geek. Hell, I can't even juggle two oranges properly!!"

When I heard this, it struck a chord. Or atleast I think it was a chord. I wouldn't know a difference between a chord and a clothes-line anyway. I realized that so much of this lack-of-talent thing is true for me too (Except for the two oranges part. I can probably juggle two, but three is pushing it. And I will never try it with eggs). I like to console myself with the thought that I do have a talent, I just haven't found it yet.

Manic Monday

Start of another week...

Same old thoughts crossing the mind. Life seems to be stuck in a rut. Like an old old gramophone record whose needle is stuck and keeps playing the same old 3 seconds over and over and over again. I need to either change the record or move to CDs with skip protection.

From the looks of it, this week promises to be hectic. Seems like I have more packed into this week than I normally pack in a month. Oh well, gives me a chance to break the happy alliance of mono and tony.

Blogger's block

I think I am suffering from a bad case of blogger's block, or whatever is the blogging equivalent to the writer's block.

Had so much to say before I created this blog but suddenly ran out of words. Nothing to rant or rave about now that I have a blog. I think I need my muse. Actually, what is this muse business anyway. My idea of muse is someone who can think for me and write what I should be writing. I can then just copy-paste what the muse has transcribed.

I need to get used to this blogging thingie.

Stay tuned...

Uno

From this day on, thou shalt blog