If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there

Been a weird few days...

I am looking for a new job. But the current cushion allows me to be cocky. I somehow have 4 opportunities in play right now and I applied to only one of them. All 4 have their merits/demerits but of the two that have progressed beyond the first stage, I went into the conversation with a "I am too good for you" attitude. Both wanted to move forward. One of them even bumped the level up. I will ask the other one to do so this week. They probably will.

I feel a little guilty about not telling about these to me better half. She has been looking for a while now and hearing about my 4 opportunities or my flippant attitude towards them will not do any good to her confidence. Oh well! I am so used to keeping my feelings to myself, what;s another one or four. 

Got a scare finding Naloxone in my kid's car. Stressed about it. Found that they were handing it out at the library so she just took one and dumped it in the car. Phew!

Dreamt of her again. I may never see her again. I will probably not even talk to her again. I am certainly not initiating contact again. Still doesn't solve for why she was eager to meet me last time we talked. Enough to drive all the way to my neighborhood. One of those things I will never solve for. What do I do about those damn dreams though?

These days, I feel like a overconfident fucker who wonders why he has that much confidence to begin with

Take these broken wings, and learn to fly again...

Work life is in a funk. I have lost all interest in it. Weird, I know. My position still is decently secure but I don't see myself progressing much. I have also become a bit more short tempered with incompetent people. I am playing with fire, but I have had it with people not doing their job. Escalated on a few people with their bosses. I am tired of playing nice.

Job search continues. I think I blew the recruiter screen this week for a job I really really wanted. I can't believe it that I stumble at the basics. Maybe I am destined to be forever stuck at my current level. I see people around me getting bumped up to the next level but I seem to have maxed out. It is soul crushing. There have been good inbound interests for what will genuinely be the next step for me but none of them progress beyond the first call. I am cocky enough on the other calls where I know I won't take the job. I have always felt that I am a terrible interviewee and every call seems to affirm that. Is it because I try to be my genuine self rather than play the game. Perhaps...

Anyway, search continues. I am not too unhappy in the current job but the lack of money rankles. My better half has been unemployed for a year and a half and that doesn't help the matters either. 

I used to pay my credit cards the day of the statement. Now I pay them close to the due date. I find myself calculating how much runway we have with our savings (if nothing changes, 1.5-2years..). My second born will be ready for college in 2 years. I shudder to think how I will pay for two college tuition given the current state of finances. We will have to start digging into the retirement savings by then. On one hand I feel guilty about the tiniest of expenses and on the other I look at some of the stuff and wonder, why shouldn't I? I hope not to get a point where it won't be a choice.

Hope things will turn for the better soon. I know I should be grateful for what I do have ( mostly peaceful family dynamics, health etc) but it is hard to look at what I don't.