Been a bit of a week...
Stayed off booze for a good 6 weeks. Then got drunk. Twice. In a week.
It is no secret from anyone that I don't expect to live beyond 65. Last week, talked to both my siblings separately and came to know that they are living with the same fear. Rationally speaking, this should not have been news. I share my parents and my ancestors with them. Their genes are my genes. How did I ever think that I would be the only one affected by the early deaths of my parents and grandparents. In all these years, I somehow never thought that they will look at it the same way I do. That somehow they will live much longer (I hope they do). It was a gut punch to think that I have been just playing the victim in my mind all these years but didn't spare a thought for them. I am a very selfish man. I got drunk. I was hurt. I talked too much.
Three days later I did it all over again. What makes it many times worse is that this time it was a work event. I opened my heart, my hurts to a co-worker (who might be my boss some day). I have taken pride in being fiercely private all my life. There are things that people closest to me don't have a clue about. There is only so much I can blame on alcohol though. Maybe, deep down, After all these years, I want to share. With somebody. Anybody. Not appropriate for work though. Next day, I thought, I will be a changed man. I will behave differently. Probably not. One night of drinking does not change who I am.
And who am I? An alcoholic who can't control his tongue? Or an alcoholic who just doesn't know when to stop? Or a soul wanting to be heard? Sometimes, I just want to be by myself and shout. Shout. And cry. And cry. And cry.
I am lonely. Very lonely.
I don't even know who am I writing this for. I will never reveal this blog to anyone. No one will ever know who wrote it. Perhaps, that's for the best.
