Mirror mirror on the wall...

 ...who is this stranger staring at me?

 The big layoffs happened at work. Should have made me worried about my job but weirdly it has made me bolder and given me a devil-may-care attitude. I have almost fought with a peer (granted, she is a fucking moron) and given a "piece of my mind" to a CxO. I feel like it is a weird Office Space moment. I just don't care enough. It might be high time I bail. The only thing holding me back is that this job is way too easy, my boss doesn't have their hand in my cookie jar and my team thinks I am awesome!

I am not even looking but I am getting an inbound interest a week. I am high on confidence but I think I shouldn't wait too long to see if I am really "wanted". There is always the fear of leaving a cushy job and trying to prove yourself anew but the money here is just not worth it. 

Totally unrelated to all this, a weird kind of dissonance has set in. Hard to describe, but my own name feels alien to me. There is no identity crisis or any such shit but I feel weird when someone uses my name to say anything about me (good or bad). Have I really been addressed by that name for decades now? How does that name not feel my own then? I should have been really used to it by now.

Most days, I don't recognize myself. When did I become so easy to talk to? When did I become the talker? When did I become the conversation initiator or the small-talker? I used to be very uncomfortable in social situations, when did the script change? How did I become the person who wants to keep in touch? Maybe, this is the flare up before the flare out!

Totally unrelated but thought of the lines from the play I saw in London forever ago...

If you are who you are,

because of who you are,

then you are who you are. 

But, if you are who you are,

because of who I am, 

then you are who I am.

Roll of the dice

 An interesting week at work...

I had to let go of about 20% of my team to "help us become profitable". I think, across the entire company, I was talked with delivering the message to the largest number of people. Lot of people reached out to ask how I was after having to go through so many heart wrenching calls. Funny thing is - I was fine. I was more than fine. I didn't feel a thing. Is it because I believe this team won't be my problem for the long term? The management is clear that we have to sell this company and run...

I relayed some of the experiences from my conversations in a team call and that led my boss to break down on a team call. It was awkward but I didn't have half of those emotions. Wonder what it says about me. 

Oddly enough, I was pretty confident that I won't be part of this reduction and also felt like I didn't give a shit if I was. Being the sole earner of the family, I should not have been so nonchalant about not having a paycheck. Maybe it was the knowledge of being part of some strategic accounts that gave me the confidence. Regardless, the runway is short...

I spent most of the way thinking what I should do for my next steps (as everyone was thinking that I was coping with the heaviness of delivering the message)... I am very comfortable and secure here but there is no financial upside. A recruiter reached out for an opportunity. Interesting but not not interesting enough. I think.

Later in the week, I came to know that my boss is possibly not as financially secure as I would think someone in that position to be. One thought led to another and I wondered about my choice of life partner. 

There was this person who was my default crush for way too long. I hear she is practically living on a separate floor from her husband in the same house and goes for vacations with different people. She quit her job soon after marrying him and let him be the boss. She told me she was in love with him - how did things go wrong!!

Then there was this person who was either a very close friend or the "one that got away". After getting married, she became a homemaker and let go of all the potential she had.

Then there is this person, aka my wife, I married after a short courtship period. She loves me like crazy, still thinks that the other women in the world are out to steal me (me?????) from her. She is ambitious, she has done well in her career and, even though this break has been a longer than it should have been, I know she will get back on her feet.

Do I appreciate what I have or do I chase/ruminate about what I don't?

The Times They Are A-Changin'...

 ... and I am not changing fast enough.

 The company gives the last week of the year off, the client doesn't. I haven't done much this week and I am close to my wit's end.  I am worried that things are passing me by and I am not doing enough. Do I know enough AI (what even is the right amount of AI)? Should I be building the next year's strategy right now knowing that I may not be with this company a year from now? Should I be doing more around the house? Around something? Anything?

This is almost certainly the last post for the year. Lots of uncertainty, lots of unknowns but I have zero answers. Worried about next year, worried about what the next job will be, worried about money, worried about a million things that I don't want to even think about.

 Happy Fucking New Year to all... 

 

 

Blogger's block

 Been thinking of writing something for the last few weeks but can't think of anything half way decent. Posted something about a trip I took more than 2 months back but everything else feels like a thought hovering at the periphery of consciousness, nothing more.

 Work chugs along. Nothing exciting. Only been about 8 months but don't feel the spark. Personal life is ok, health is fine and I am very thankful on both those counts! Nothing apart from that. People seem to be getting more annoying. 

I think if I had anything even close to a retirement cushion I would have locked myself away with my books and my wine. And since I am no Rapunzel, no one would have been climbing my hair. Anywho, money, or the lack thereof, is a bigger issue than hair so I got to grin and bear these humans and their social engagements some more....

 

I didn't start the fire, it was always burning...

So, 5 of us had been planning to meet forever! There were failed plans, failure of planning, just failure all around, till there were only 4 left... A reunion still wouldn't happen. 4 people spread over 3 continents never would have been easy but the wavering from some didn't help. Covid scuttled some bookings one of the years.

This year, all 4 of us were reaching a milestone so the planning started early but again, nothing finalized. My summer was all spoken for. I was supposed to go meet my sister for a long weekend and while being there, meet a childhood friend. But then the childhood friend pissed me off and I decided I was in no mood to want to meet him.

So I picked up the phone and called one of the 3 to see if we can meet in 4 weeks in London. He was game. We called the 2nd guy and so was he. Decided to skip asking the last one. 

The way things worked out, I had the longest flight and my entire stay would be about 48hrs but thought what the heck! Long story short, we all made it and even though the visit was short, it was nothing short of epic! I was meeting one of them after 21 years, almost to the day! We even managed to squeeze in a day of cricket match in there. Oh what a trip!!!

Anyway, of the the two called today and asked we want to do a repeat in Dubai in 3 weeks! Tempting, I am game but I don't think others would agree so it may not pan out.

Glad we have started thinking this way though... 

A liftoff and a re-entry into the orbit

 The firstborn left for college last week. Mixed emotions. I am glad for the opportunity for her to grow up and also worried if I prepared her well for it. Did I equip her to not make any of the mistakes I made? What if she is homesick? How will she feed herself? What if there is illness? How do I ever let go?

 Makes me respect my parents that much more. How did they let me go 25 years ago when we didn't have smartphones. Forget smartphone, I landed with no phone at all. How did they say goodbye to me at the airport not even knowing how I will contact them upon landing? How was I so casual that I didn't call them hours after landing? Sorry mom and dad, every step my kids take makes me want to apologize for how flippant I was about all your worries about me. 

The kid will be fine. She has been battle hardened with all the travels she has done so far. She will make me proud. I am fairly certain of that...

Totally unrelated to her leaving home, an interesting development happened...

Someone I haven't heard from in forever reached out because she got my contact from a common friend. Now, I hadn't thought of her in years but, coincidentally, an asshole of a friend had brought her name up while trying to dish some dirt on me. I had felt nothing when he did except anger at him for misrepresenting a lot of stuff. Her name didn't even garner a second thought.

When she reached out, I didn't give it much thought. We chat on Whatsapp almost every weekend (well, it's only been 4-5 weekends) and I feel absolutely nothing for her. Zero, Zilch, Nada. She is opening up week over week but the only feeling I have is - I am glad I didn't pursue it enough for something to come out of it. Not sure why I consciously hide the messages from my wife though.

She may be visiting my city soon and I have asked her if she can find time to meet. If it does materializes, will I be forthcoming with my wife or come up with some excuse? Also, why did I plant the seed that wifey should go visit our daughter about the time when this blast from past is supposed to happen?  

The Mirror Conspiracy

 So...my significant other threw a big bash for the the big milestone. It was an epic party expected of us. The food was outstanding, the libations were unlimited, the speeches were unparalleled. My significant other and my siblings went out of their way to make the day special for me and I loved every moment of it, except two.

 My bro-in-law did an epic roast of me. Since he didn't know a lot of people who knew a lot about my childhood (the juicy bits of course), he reached out to a friend I have known practically all my life. Now, this guy has a reputation of being an unreliable narrator on the best of days but the things he mentioned really hurt. The assshole doesn't know the boundaries of what can and should be disclosed. He probably thought he was being funny but it was hurtful especially because he pinned stuff on me that I never did or said. Denying it in a large gathering would have been worthless.

But wait, it gets worse...

Another guy gets on the stage. He will barely qualify as a friend. Under the guise of pulling my leg, he went on a long tirade and painting me as a penny pincher and a fraud when none of the incidents were remotely true. He tried to paint them as something I said 1:1 and crossed the line between harmless fun and downright character assassination. For a moment I had a to wonder if that's how people see me. I hope not. The result will be that I will retreat from him but I won't forget...

Hats off to the friend from college though who refused to disclose any of the dark secrets. He did uphold the creed of friendship.

 Made me wonder about the message I had sent about the 50th birthday of a friend and if I hurt him as much as I was hurt. 

Story of a decade...

 So... a decade has gone by since I decided to impart words of wisdom to my younger self. Here, then, is an addition to what I will tell me younger self...

The 40 year old me

• You are about to embark on the best phase of your career journey. This will be a high watermark for years to come
• The best job will come with another low point in the personal life. You will receive the "second call" and realize that if your genetics have their say, there is more behind you than ahead of you
•  The world will go to hell and high basket and you will go along with it. You will question your self worth. You will question your worth as the provider. Learn to measure it in the love from the near and dear ones rather than the numerals on the paycheck. Learn that it is not about who provided, the important thing is that someone is. Ego doesn't pay for groceries.
• Dark, very dark, very very dark days are ahead. Try not to let them change you forever. There is a part of you that probably will.
  
• A forced long break between jobs after about 20 years of no break may seem like a godsend and jarring at the same time. Pick a lane
  
• There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. The jobs get harder from here.... you will be tested. you will reconsider, you will suffer, you will suffer some more, you will suffer a lot but you will come out  the other side with your honor and your confidence intact
• The next setback will hurt so much less because you are worth so much more and you know it... 
• You are getting older, cherish every moment, dread every medical test. Who knows when the latter kills the former. 
• Learn to live for today. Enjoy every road trip, remember every moment with family. Take lots of pictures
• You will lose some friends and some people you thought were friends. Learn to loom past the history and understand that the you cannot live your life for others
• You will be fine financially but you will never be crazy rich. You will never get fuck-you-money. Don't lose the time you have for the one you won't 
• The one that got away really didn't. Never was yours to lose. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask not what if but what if not?

The now me

• If the genetic math tracks, enjoy this damn decade. Might be your last full one
• If the morbid math tracks, hope that damn phone doesn't ring
• If the familial math tracks, the scorecard is holding up, just about. All in all, you barely scored passing marks as a son and a brother, probably above average as a husband and a dad, somewhere in between as a friend. Keep it that way

The honeymoon continues...

About 3 months into the new gig and the imposter syndrome is still MIA. Is that really a good thing.

I am still pumped about the work and everything I need to fix. Some complacency set in this week with the multiple people that I had to chase to get some simple things done but after talking to my boss, i am back to feeling empowered again. There is a bit of a feeling about being in a lot of things but not making enough of a difference but I try to tell myself that it is too soon to judge.

After a long long time, I feel supported, I feel empowered and I have to pinch myself to see if it is really true. The last job has made me so wary that I always think that something bad is around the corner. 

If someone from my previous jobs were to encounter me now, I bet they won't recognize this new aggressive me. I am not willing to make the same mistakes again. I will not hire my backup and I will not let a bad team member poison the whole group. 

It's probably not real and I shouldn't jinx it but I am loving it!!!

 

 

 

The answer, my friend...

... is that I don't have many friends. No one to call, no one to go out with, no one to discuss my hope and my dreams, my fears and insecurities with.

I have always had many acquaintances but very few friends. Over the years, I have lost quite a few of those that I did have, some over trivial matters, some over not-so-trivial ones.

 I often talk to people who say they meet with their school/college friends regularly. I have one friend left from my school days- we talk to each other twice a year - on his birthday and on mine. Just 3 college friends left. Great friends but spread over 3 different continents - one of the them I haven't met in 20+ years, others just once each in the last 5 years. Mostly because they made the effort to come to where I was. The "college reunion trip" just never materializes. 

My better half keeps in touch with her college friends. 2 of them live close by. Even thought they meet only a couple of times a year, it's still better than me meeting my friends once in 5 years. The only people I meet regularly is my sibling. Some sort-of-friends meet a couple times a year but they are mostly couple friends rather than ones I can have a friday night drink with.

 I try and meet up with people when I am in a new city but these are just work acquaintances. I used to be horrible with keeping in touch but I try and be better. When we were in Seattle, I looked forward to our weekly tennis games and the once-in-few-months "boys night out". I haven't had one of those in over 13 years now.  Well, the last life-long friend I made was over 30 years ago. I just have 4 friends to show for 50years of life on this planet.

Reminds me of this line ...."Itne log to hain, phir tanha kyon ho?" - there are so many people around you, why do you still feel lonely?

Still searching for the answer, my friend...