If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there

Been a weird few days...

I am looking for a new job. But the current cushion allows me to be cocky. I somehow have 4 opportunities in play right now and I applied to only one of them. All 4 have their merits/demerits but of the two that have progressed beyond the first stage, I went into the conversation with a "I am too good for you" attitude. Both wanted to move forward. One of them even bumped the level up. I will ask the other one to do so this week. They probably will.

I feel a little guilty about not telling about these to me better half. She has been looking for a while now and hearing about my 4 opportunities or my flippant attitude towards them will not do any good to her confidence. Oh well! I am so used to keeping my feelings to myself, what;s another one or four. 

Got a scare finding Naloxone in my kid's car. Stressed about it. Found that they were handing it out at the library so she just took one and dumped it in the car. Phew!

Dreamt of her again. I may never see her again. I will probably not even talk to her again. I am certainly not initiating contact again. Still doesn't solve for why she was eager to meet me last time we talked. Enough to drive all the way to my neighborhood. One of those things I will never solve for. What do I do about those damn dreams though?

These days, I feel like a overconfident fucker who wonders why he has that much confidence to begin with

Take these broken wings, and learn to fly again...

Work life is in a funk. I have lost all interest in it. Weird, I know. My position still is decently secure but I don't see myself progressing much. I have also become a bit more short tempered with incompetent people. I am playing with fire, but I have had it with people not doing their job. Escalated on a few people with their bosses. I am tired of playing nice.

Job search continues. I think I blew the recruiter screen this week for a job I really really wanted. I can't believe it that I stumble at the basics. Maybe I am destined to be forever stuck at my current level. I see people around me getting bumped up to the next level but I seem to have maxed out. It is soul crushing. There have been good inbound interests for what will genuinely be the next step for me but none of them progress beyond the first call. I am cocky enough on the other calls where I know I won't take the job. I have always felt that I am a terrible interviewee and every call seems to affirm that. Is it because I try to be my genuine self rather than play the game. Perhaps...

Anyway, search continues. I am not too unhappy in the current job but the lack of money rankles. My better half has been unemployed for a year and a half and that doesn't help the matters either. 

I used to pay my credit cards the day of the statement. Now I pay them close to the due date. I find myself calculating how much runway we have with our savings (if nothing changes, 1.5-2years..). My second born will be ready for college in 2 years. I shudder to think how I will pay for two college tuition given the current state of finances. We will have to start digging into the retirement savings by then. On one hand I feel guilty about the tiniest of expenses and on the other I look at some of the stuff and wonder, why shouldn't I? I hope not to get a point where it won't be a choice.

Hope things will turn for the better soon. I know I should be grateful for what I do have ( mostly peaceful family dynamics, health etc) but it is hard to look at what I don't. 

Reading (too much into) the tea leaves

 So....my boss decided to leave. Not a surprise really. It was a ticking time bomb so it was a matter of time. I moved under the CTO which means I have to build the relationship all over again.

The age old question rears it's head. If I have to rebuild the relationship, why not do it elsewhere for more money and loftier title. The new boss is a "shoot first, ask questions later" kind of guy. He might make me (good kinds of) uncomfortable but he also might dig into areas I am aware I am weak in, viz. for the first time, I don't have enough data to run the org. 

The team is in no ways in a great shape but I am already bored. I can change and make it better but I have held back thinking I won't be here long. 

Oddly enough, I have the confidence of the SLT/CxO in what I do. I have the relationship with the largest account the company has. The CxOs trust me. The team is fairly capable. Just today, an ex-CxO reached out to ask me if I am feeling ok with all the changes. All of this is great for the ego, just not for the bank balance. 

I am acutely aware of the parallels with the cushy job I left a year before the COVID hell. I paid for that miscalculation for many years. With the AI-pocalypse on the horizon, it might be a stupid move to take a leap and be out of job in no time. I can fib my way through an interview but I fear I am not doing enough right now.

Looking at people around me (spouse included) I am very grateful that I have a job/paycheck but the nagging feeling of being worth more might either be my undoing or might take me to unprecedented heights. Only time will tell. 

Mirror mirror on the wall...

 ...who is this stranger staring at me?

 The big layoffs happened at work. Should have made me worried about my job but weirdly it has made me bolder and given me a devil-may-care attitude. I have almost fought with a peer (granted, she is a fucking moron) and given a "piece of my mind" to a CxO. I feel like it is a weird Office Space moment. I just don't care enough. It might be high time I bail. The only thing holding me back is that this job is way too easy, my boss doesn't have their hand in my cookie jar and my team thinks I am awesome!

I am not even looking but I am getting an inbound interest a week. I am high on confidence but I think I shouldn't wait too long to see if I am really "wanted". There is always the fear of leaving a cushy job and trying to prove yourself anew but the money here is just not worth it. 

Totally unrelated to all this, a weird kind of dissonance has set in. Hard to describe, but my own name feels alien to me. There is no identity crisis or any such shit but I feel weird when someone uses my name to say anything about me (good or bad). Have I really been addressed by that name for decades now? How does that name not feel my own then? I should have been really used to it by now.

Most days, I don't recognize myself. When did I become so easy to talk to? When did I become the talker? When did I become the conversation initiator or the small-talker? I used to be very uncomfortable in social situations, when did the script change? How did I become the person who wants to keep in touch? Maybe, this is the flare up before the flare out!

Totally unrelated but thought of the lines from the play I saw in London forever ago...

If you are who you are,

because of who you are,

then you are who you are. 

But, if you are who you are,

because of who I am, 

then you are who I am.

Roll of the dice

 An interesting week at work...

I had to let go of about 20% of my team to "help us become profitable". I think, across the entire company, I was talked with delivering the message to the largest number of people. Lot of people reached out to ask how I was after having to go through so many heart wrenching calls. Funny thing is - I was fine. I was more than fine. I didn't feel a thing. Is it because I believe this team won't be my problem for the long term? The management is clear that we have to sell this company and run...

I relayed some of the experiences from my conversations in a team call and that led my boss to break down on a team call. It was awkward but I didn't have half of those emotions. Wonder what it says about me. 

Oddly enough, I was pretty confident that I won't be part of this reduction and also felt like I didn't give a shit if I was. Being the sole earner of the family, I should not have been so nonchalant about not having a paycheck. Maybe it was the knowledge of being part of some strategic accounts that gave me the confidence. Regardless, the runway is short...

I spent most of the way thinking what I should do for my next steps (as everyone was thinking that I was coping with the heaviness of delivering the message)... I am very comfortable and secure here but there is no financial upside. A recruiter reached out for an opportunity. Interesting but not not interesting enough. I think.

Later in the week, I came to know that my boss is possibly not as financially secure as I would think someone in that position to be. One thought led to another and I wondered about my choice of life partner. 

There was this person who was my default crush for way too long. I hear she is practically living on a separate floor from her husband in the same house and goes for vacations with different people. She quit her job soon after marrying him and let him be the boss. She told me she was in love with him - how did things go wrong!!

Then there was this person who was either a very close friend or the "one that got away". After getting married, she became a homemaker and let go of all the potential she had.

Then there is this person, aka my wife, I married after a short courtship period. She loves me like crazy, still thinks that the other women in the world are out to steal me (me?????) from her. She is ambitious, she has done well in her career and, even though this break has been a longer than it should have been, I know she will get back on her feet.

Do I appreciate what I have or do I chase/ruminate about what I don't?

The Times They Are A-Changin'...

 ... and I am not changing fast enough.

 The company gives the last week of the year off, the client doesn't. I haven't done much this week and I am close to my wit's end.  I am worried that things are passing me by and I am not doing enough. Do I know enough AI (what even is the right amount of AI)? Should I be building the next year's strategy right now knowing that I may not be with this company a year from now? Should I be doing more around the house? Around something? Anything?

This is almost certainly the last post for the year. Lots of uncertainty, lots of unknowns but I have zero answers. Worried about next year, worried about what the next job will be, worried about money, worried about a million things that I don't want to even think about.

 Happy Fucking New Year to all... 

 

 

Blogger's block

 Been thinking of writing something for the last few weeks but can't think of anything half way decent. Posted something about a trip I took more than 2 months back but everything else feels like a thought hovering at the periphery of consciousness, nothing more.

 Work chugs along. Nothing exciting. Only been about 8 months but don't feel the spark. Personal life is ok, health is fine and I am very thankful on both those counts! Nothing apart from that. People seem to be getting more annoying. 

I think if I had anything even close to a retirement cushion I would have locked myself away with my books and my wine. And since I am no Rapunzel, no one would have been climbing my hair. Anywho, money, or the lack thereof, is a bigger issue than hair so I got to grin and bear these humans and their social engagements some more....

 

I didn't start the fire, it was always burning...

So, 5 of us had been planning to meet forever! There were failed plans, failure of planning, just failure all around, till there were only 4 left... A reunion still wouldn't happen. 4 people spread over 3 continents never would have been easy but the wavering from some didn't help. Covid scuttled some bookings one of the years.

This year, all 4 of us were reaching a milestone so the planning started early but again, nothing finalized. My summer was all spoken for. I was supposed to go meet my sister for a long weekend and while being there, meet a childhood friend. But then the childhood friend pissed me off and I decided I was in no mood to want to meet him.

So I picked up the phone and called one of the 3 to see if we can meet in 4 weeks in London. He was game. We called the 2nd guy and so was he. Decided to skip asking the last one. 

The way things worked out, I had the longest flight and my entire stay would be about 48hrs but thought what the heck! Long story short, we all made it and even though the visit was short, it was nothing short of epic! I was meeting one of them after 21 years, almost to the day! We even managed to squeeze in a day of cricket match in there. Oh what a trip!!!

Anyway, of the the two called today and asked we want to do a repeat in Dubai in 3 weeks! Tempting, I am game but I don't think others would agree so it may not pan out.

Glad we have started thinking this way though... 

A liftoff and a re-entry into the orbit

 The firstborn left for college last week. Mixed emotions. I am glad for the opportunity for her to grow up and also worried if I prepared her well for it. Did I equip her to not make any of the mistakes I made? What if she is homesick? How will she feed herself? What if there is illness? How do I ever let go?

 Makes me respect my parents that much more. How did they let me go 25 years ago when we didn't have smartphones. Forget smartphone, I landed with no phone at all. How did they say goodbye to me at the airport not even knowing how I will contact them upon landing? How was I so casual that I didn't call them hours after landing? Sorry mom and dad, every step my kids take makes me want to apologize for how flippant I was about all your worries about me. 

The kid will be fine. She has been battle hardened with all the travels she has done so far. She will make me proud. I am fairly certain of that...

Totally unrelated to her leaving home, an interesting development happened...

Someone I haven't heard from in forever reached out because she got my contact from a common friend. Now, I hadn't thought of her in years but, coincidentally, an asshole of a friend had brought her name up while trying to dish some dirt on me. I had felt nothing when he did except anger at him for misrepresenting a lot of stuff. Her name didn't even garner a second thought.

When she reached out, I didn't give it much thought. We chat on Whatsapp almost every weekend (well, it's only been 4-5 weekends) and I feel absolutely nothing for her. Zero, Zilch, Nada. She is opening up week over week but the only feeling I have is - I am glad I didn't pursue it enough for something to come out of it. Not sure why I consciously hide the messages from my wife though.

She may be visiting my city soon and I have asked her if she can find time to meet. If it does materializes, will I be forthcoming with my wife or come up with some excuse? Also, why did I plant the seed that wifey should go visit our daughter about the time when this blast from past is supposed to happen?  

The Mirror Conspiracy

 So...my significant other threw a big bash for the the big milestone. It was an epic party expected of us. The food was outstanding, the libations were unlimited, the speeches were unparalleled. My significant other and my siblings went out of their way to make the day special for me and I loved every moment of it, except two.

 My bro-in-law did an epic roast of me. Since he didn't know a lot of people who knew a lot about my childhood (the juicy bits of course), he reached out to a friend I have known practically all my life. Now, this guy has a reputation of being an unreliable narrator on the best of days but the things he mentioned really hurt. The assshole doesn't know the boundaries of what can and should be disclosed. He probably thought he was being funny but it was hurtful especially because he pinned stuff on me that I never did or said. Denying it in a large gathering would have been worthless.

But wait, it gets worse...

Another guy gets on the stage. He will barely qualify as a friend. Under the guise of pulling my leg, he went on a long tirade and painting me as a penny pincher and a fraud when none of the incidents were remotely true. He tried to paint them as something I said 1:1 and crossed the line between harmless fun and downright character assassination. For a moment I had a to wonder if that's how people see me. I hope not. The result will be that I will retreat from him but I won't forget...

Hats off to the friend from college though who refused to disclose any of the dark secrets. He did uphold the creed of friendship.

 Made me wonder about the message I had sent about the 50th birthday of a friend and if I hurt him as much as I was hurt.