Teri khushboo mein base khat

Heard this song recently....."teri khusbooo mein base khat mein jalata kaise" - how could I have burned the letters soaked in your essence. Transported me to a phase of my life from a while back...

There was this girl...

- We were together in 8th grade and I had a massive crush on her. I wasn't the only one though. Probably half the boys were in the same situation (some close friends included). I was never vocal about my feelings. However, I do remember many many afternoons after school where I will make up a reason to wait on the side of the road with my bike till her school bus passed by. Now, we were in the same class but just that glimpse of her made the rest of my day. It was so private a ritual that it helped me get through the rest of my day.

I would always always take a detour while going to my friend's house just to pass in front of her house. I never, not even once, saw her there but that didn't matter. It was enough to know that I passed by her house. Hey, I was 13! It was pretty darn romantic.

End of grade 8, she moved to a different town. My 8 month crush came to an end. The story would have ended there but....

- 12th grade. I had taken this course to get into elite engineering colleges. We had a mock test in a  different city. And who do I run into, but her. And who does not say a word - me. I was tongue tied. I didn't know what to say. Test ends, she drives by on her bike. I am standing on the side while she is driving by and I cannot even bring myself to say hi. Though I had enough energy to throw my stuff in the dirt after she left. The story would have ended there but....

- End of high school. I give a few exams and try my luck in a few colleges. I am in the line for the entrance for one of the colleges with my dad and who is the row right behind us...yep! The whole process lasts maybe an hour and the sum total of words spoken by me to her....zero. The story would have ended there but....

- I finally decide on an engineering college and realize who is in the same college......sigh, yes...her. Anybody would have taken the hint by now but I ain't anybody. Fast forward to 4 years and we barely exchange a few words. Someone who shared the same first name tried to help me but that didn't pan out (story for another blog post another day). The story would have ended there but....

- I start working after college and end up rooming with a guy whose close friend is in the same masters program as this girl. On his urging, I wrote the one and only love letter to her. Credit where credit is due, she responded. She told me there was someone else in her life (this was the only letter addressed to me that my mom opened and read but that is a topic for another day). The story would have ended there but....

- Few months later, she emailed me to ask if she can get internship in my company. We met, we talked. She told me that "when I read your words, you make me cry. When I meet you, you make me laugh". Story of my life I guess. She also said - "don't tell him (her boyfriend) about this". I was confused. I was not embarrassed about my feelings for her. Maybe she was...about me. The story would have ended there and it did (facebook stalking for the next few years not withstanding)

When I got the letter from her, it hurt. It hurt to know what I already knew. I decided i will keep it close to me till someone actually said "I love you" to me. This was my revenge to show her that I can be loved. I kept the letter in my wallet.

Took longer than expected...I was starting to get really worried about this....but I was in Bangkok for work a few years later having just left a girl in US after knowing her briefly. In one of her emails, she told me that she loved me. Surely that counted. That evening, I went to the balcony of that hotel and lit the letter on fire telling the wind that there is someone who actually loves me. The moment I was done with beating my chest, I realized that the ashes of the letter were blowing all over and people were looking up to find the source.

I made myself lost in shadows...again.

Best laid plans and all that

So..... 2020 happened. Not just to me. To everyone. But I care about the one that matter to me - ME

2020 pretty much started with the job loss for my spouse. Things were pretty much downhill from there. My job loss followed. While I know that the loss was more for political reasons than for my capability, I cannot help thinking that it is a reflection on who I am.

I changed job last year. In hindsight, I got swayed by promise of instant money. I should have known better. I am not meant for instant mega riches. I was only supposed to gradually get more. Inevitable followed - horrible year at the job followed by the loss of income. What did I gain - not much apart from the understanding of what not to do and who not to trust. I have always maintained that I have learned more from bad managers than from the good ones. It's time to extend that to jobs and friends.

Last year has been soul-crushing. I heard from multiple people that I am not good enough. I sensed it in a few others. So much so that I believed it for the most part. Then I talked to my colleagues from previous job and they told me that I am better than I think I am. Not sure who is delusional. Maybe I am.

The job search hasn't done much for my confidence either. I am flunking interviews that I could clear in my sleep. I am getting a chance to do some consulting work but I am too polite to ask for more money. I was always polite but I thought I was able to stand up for myself. Where did the fire go?

Just the other day, the igniter in our stove went out. My first thought wasn't how to fix it but "I understand". I feel like I have lost the spark. This is not the first time in my career that it has happened. The last time it happened, I ended up getting a gig that I will consider my best ever. I will gladly give up a kidney to be part of that team again....oh, the benefits of hindsight.

I look for signs that I will come out of it better than before. It might take time but I will sail through it. I have days of despair interspersed with days of hope. I have never not worked and this feeling of having failed my wife and kids is weighing on my conscience. I am honest with my kids about the situation but can't ignore the nagging feeling of what they will see their dad as, maybe in 5-10 years when they understand the realities of life. I am drowning myself in books to ignore the voices in my head but I don't know how long I can keep this going. One thing is for certain, I will be so grateful to get the next job that I will give it 200%.

I have maybe 15-20 years left in my career. I just need a chance. I just need someone to take a chance on me. They won't be sorry.