So...the last year or so was pretty shitty. I saw a side of myself that I never knew I had and one I hope I never see again.
I was bitter at most of times. I was down most of times. I snapped at people. I stopped talking to some. I cried when I was alone. I cried in the parking lots. I stayed up at nights. I screamed when I knew there was no one to hear me. I had pretty dark thoughts. I felt worthless. I questioned my existence, my right to live, laugh or enjoy. I thought about good times in my past and thought how I could have felt happy then when I am so miserable now. I hated meeting people for fear of answering questions.
Some people questioned my bitterness and told me everything will be ok. Some read through this misery and told me everything will be ok. I wondered whether I was really so cheerful generally that I can't even hide my misery and fake happiness. If the tough times were a test of strength of my character, I don't think I will give myself a passing grade. I always thought of myself as better than that. I took pride in hiding my emotions.
What crushes me is that some of the worst is over, and now I don't have my misery as an excuse. Will my behavior change or is this bitterness here to stay?
