The Summer Freeze

 I was watching a webseries today where this lady who goes out for a date with a gray-ish kind of character tells him at the end of the date to not mention it to anyone. It triggered a thought...

Quite a few moons ago, I wrote my one and only love letter to this girl who turned me down. What I didn't mention then is that she contacted me after that letter to ask for an internship in the company I was working at at that time. I don't even know how we did this pre-email and pre-cellphone days but we somehow figured out a day and time to meet.

We met at this small restaurant near my office. She looked resplendent in this dark gray salwar-suit. I somehow could not put 2 decent sentences together in English (not much has changed since then regarding my capability). Some things stick out though.

She mentioned that she was in a relationship with her classmate. I mentioned his name. She was surprised I knew. I told her that everyone knew and I hope she is happy etc (what is this nonsense? I hope that the guy gets serious rash on nether areas or, better still, his penis withers and drops off). 

She mentioned that she loves ice cream. I didn't then and probably still don't really. But I have often thought about this. I hope she controlled her sugar intake in the intervening years. 

Out of the blue, she asked me to not mention my infatuation with her to anyone. I was taken aback. That made no sense. Why should she be embarrassed about my feelings towards her. Was she unsure of her relationship? Was he jealous of me? Was there gossip about me and her in the hostel? Would things have been different if I had talked to her more during all the chance encounters? Would I have preferred it that way? Weirdly, in all these years, when I try to think of alternate reality, she is not the one I think about.

At the end of the meal, I walked her to the bus stop. As we were waiting for the bus, I saw this small sweat drop trickling from behind her ear and down her neck (half a lifetime later, it is still a very vivid memory for some reason). Since I didn't have anything to wipe it with, I had this weird thought of licking it (half a lifetime later, it is still a very vivid memory for some reason). Glad I didn't.

Anyway....she left shortly after. I saw her go knowing fully well that I will probably never see her again. And I was (and am) ok with it. I should have been devastated but I actually felt liberated. Went back to the office and doubled down on flirting with another girl in the office within the next hour...

At the intersection of "what-if" and "you gotta be kidding me"

So, the chance encounter I feel I have been looking forward to for years, happened last week. In some ways, it was exactly how I imagined, in some ways, probably better.

Went to this event which was a gathering of hundreds of folks of same ethnicity. While parking the car, it suddenly struck me - what if the encounter happens today? At this point, it had just become a mental exercise. Every gathering big or small, I imagined the encounter, it never happened. I got a little bummed and thought about the next one. Life went on...
 

Just like every time before this, my eyes were looking everywhere hoping to catch a glimpse of her in a dark theater. Chances were probably less than zero. No sighting at the start of the show or during the break. After the show ended and as everyone was filing to get out, I just smiled at another futile event and prepared for the eventual disappointment. I mean, why would this day be any different? Another 5 seconds here or there and this would have been the same ending as always.

But this was meant to end (begin?) differently. I saw her. I could scarcely believe it. I looked away and then looked again to casually engineer the moment when we casually notice each other at the same time. But… when I saw her notice me, I did a casual wave. I was supposed to act surprised but can you really blame me?

(Sidebar - many moons ago, another chance encounter with someone who shared the same first name... I stood in her way and didn't say a word. If I did, maybe life would have turned out differently. Probably better, it didn't. Maybe? Maybe not?)

We were a few feet away and I motioned that we should catch each other outside. Gave me a minute to collect myself as my legs had turned to jello and the heart was racing a mile, nay, a 100 mile a minute. I am a teenager probably 3 times over. This is not supposed to happen to me.

Went out, met her, could barely put 2 sentences together. Was probably too excited and too nervous and too everything and too nothing at the same time. Probably cut a sentence short and ran away like a teenager. Not before exchanging the digits though ( to my relief, she asked). Glad that the darkness hid the color on my cheeks.

Came back, slept and had an extended conversation in the dreams. Next morning, sent a text on the way to the airport. Wrote it, edited it, edited again, edited once more and didn’t send for a while. But then I did and then started sweating that I didn’t word it properly. Imagining the scenario that the innocuous text is discovered by someone else.

I don’t even know how much of my imagination about the years past is just my imagination. Maybe some, maybe none, maybe all. All I know is that, in an alternate reality, there is more than one ending to this story.

Who writes my scripts?

After a day of travel, I was planning to call my significant other and accidentally pressed the callback button for her from when she had given me her number with a missed call. Honest mistake since they both share the same maiden name (see above for my qurey on my the author of my scripts). Quickly hung up hoping she didn’t see it and kicked myself. Also changed significant other’s name to my last name to avoid future mistakes. 

Not having heard anything by next day, I told myself - you have lived with the imagination for 25 years, what's the big deal about the remaining 17 years (remember - i will be dead by then). Pretty sure I came across really desperate with the text and call. The good thing is, now I get to think of a new scenario because I won’t hear back. I was disappointed but then, in a way, bit relieved or maybe not. Decided that I will not stress about it and move on. It was a very taxing 6am thought!

And then, in the middle of a meeting, the response pops up. I am pretty sure I smiled like an idiot. Didn’t read the response till later because I didn’t want to send a read receipt which was microseconds after I got the text. Yes, I am like that!

She apologized for late response and missing the call. Phew! Dodged that bullet. Nice response from her - Sorry, I was busy. let’s catch up etc.

I respond casually- yeah, whatever. Will call after dinner or won’t. Who knows… (almost responded with - didn’t mean to call you, it was an accident. Glad I kept the honesty in check)

So what do I do after dinner? Accidentally dial her number again!!! I am a (an?) grade A idiot. Make that A+ please. Almost texted that it was an accident dial but choked my honesty to death again.

Anyway, she called back. We talked. For quite a bit. My significant other called and I ignored. Her spouse called, she ignored. We talked for an hour. Felt good. Really good. Really Really good. Like talking to a long lost friend. Not what I had imagined but glad it was this way. I really did miss her and her friendship. Still kicking myself for not keeping in touch.

She says she wants to meet. I would love to. Told her we can meet after her family commitments in a couple of months. I can hardly wait to meet my long lost friend. Someone who knew me for being me.

Yes, in an alternate reality this would have ended differently. But this is my current reality and I am happy for what I have. Do I regret the alternate reality? Does she? I guess I will never know...

Who really does write my scripts?