Not too long ago, someone I am distantly related to, went through a difficult surgery. The recovery was thankfully better than expected. Their son told me his dad has an amazing will to live and that he is a fighter which helped with the recovery. Sadly, his uncle passed away recently and he told me that this time, their uncle had lost the will to live a while back so it was no surprise that they could not recover.
These two incidents got me thinking again about a point I have pondered off and on for the last decade or so - what happens when/if I go through anything like that? Will I have the will to live or will I give up too easily? Will it even matter? Does it?
I have often been accused of not having enough drive, of always being very passive and being very willing to accept things as they are. I have opposed this thought as much as I can but I do wonder if it is all perception or there is some truth to it. It does hurt when people think I am so passive that I am a pushover. When the time comes, will I be very willing to accept whatever the Grim Reaper commands me to? Will I fight to be with the ones I love? Are there any ones I love enough to stay back for? Will these loved ones really care when I am gone? If I am sick too long, will these loved ones wish that I was gone soon? Even if it is on the pretext of alleviating my suffering rather than their own?
Maybe my issue is not about being passive but about having too low of a self-esteem. Having lost both of my parents did get me thinking a lot about mortality but I have often wondered if I am anyone even mildly special. I am at a low point in my professional life right now so even though this plays on my mind, I have never really thought very highly of myself.
If there ever comes a point where my will should become a matter of life and death, I hope the decision I make will be with the best of my loved ones in mind than my own.
