Or is it just a few yards?
I came face to face with mortality again today. A certain test came out positive. The kind of test that is an indicator of finality. Follow up next week. Maybe there will be nothing else. Maybe there will be nothing else beyond it.
I never believed that I will live too long. Based on when my parents passed away, I don't have any hopes of seeing my seventies. The day I realized this, I was in early 40s and it was a gut punch to think that I have lived through 2/3rds of my life. With each passing year, I think of remaining years in different terms. This year, the remaining years won't qualify as adult in most countries. Next year, the remaining years wont be allowed to drive. Soon the remaining years won't be long enough to hit puberty, then teething, walk, crawl...With today's result, I got the feeling that maybe I get to skip all the boring parts and get fast tracked to where it is only the rolling over that is remaining.
But how did I ever lose all the time when I played by the rules (for the most part)? I still have so much to teach my kids, so many stories to tell, so many math problems to help with, so many dad jokes to crack, so many experiences to create. I haven't even told them what a Philips screwdriver is or how to change a bulb, leave alone a car tire. I haven't even thought of the first shaving set to gift to my son or the first car I will get my daughter. We were still working on getting her braces off.
How will I ever compress everything into months? What do I leave out? What if it is something they will really really need later? I thought I will atleast get to walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. Hell, I even had the wedding speech halfway prepared. Which words do I modify to make it fit a middle school graduation speech?
It's weird to think of all the books and tv series I may not have a chance to finish. I was about to order a couple of books today. Now I will hold off till the follow up. Same with the life insurance policy I was planning to terminate. Maybe I won't need to do either.
The time between now and the follow up will be spent wondering about what happens when I get the final result. Will I change anything if the result is negative and life goes on along it's uncertain ways? Will I get time to "get the affairs in order" if the flip of the coin lands the other way?
The suckiest thing is that I got the news about the possible death knell on the birthday of the person who birthed me.
