Old songs, new meanings 1

 Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai

Aaj phir marne ka iraada hai

Today, I have a will to live again

Today, I have a desire to end it all...

Ne'er the twain shall meet

 Am I disappointed because I so often fail to live up to my own expectations or because others do? They lost a game they never knew they were playing and didn't know the rules for anyway. What's my excuse?

Hanging by a thread

 Forever plus many moons ago, I read a story which goes something like this...

A kid is fed up of his daily struggles at school and wishes to get over all this mundane life of going to school, homework, routine etc and he wishes he can just skip to when he can control his destiny. He meets the fairy godmother (or djinn or satan or tooth fairy, doesn't matter) and gets this device where he can pull this golden thread to fast forward his life. The more thread he pulls out, the more he gets to skip. You get the idea. The condition being, he can't go back as the thread disappears once it is taken out. (sidebar: in my mind, I always pictured this as a floss dispenser. This is before I ever saw a floss dispenser in my life. And I have never been able to use a floss dispenser ever without feeling a bit of apprehension. Yes, I have issues. But that's a story for another day).

So, this kid promptly pulls the thread and moves to his youth, doesn't like the rigmarole of college and pulls more and realizes that the thread is silver now and he is an adult. Life is tougher. There is a job to go to and bills to pay. Fast forward, pull some more, get to bronze thread, family and kids, more responsibilities, more stress, more pulling, regular thread now, middle age, health to worry about, pills to imbibe, kids college to worry about, more pulling, very thin and dirty thread, old age, various afflictions, loneliness, longing for the age of golden thread etc etc...you get the idea...

I don't remember how the story ends but I am sure it's got something to do without enjoying the fucking moment etc but there are times in my life I have wished for this floss dispenser so that I can fast forward the tough times and just get to the good parts. 

Today was a crisis of confidence kind of day. I always thought I had more talent than ambition. Today was the day that made me believe the other way. Today was the day where I wish I could pull the thread and get to the good parts. 

But lately, any such thought is accompanied by the worry about pulling too much of that thread. Having this strong belief that I have less than a third of my life left, what if I miss the parts where my kids are still designing the Halloween costumes. Where they are still dependent on me to log into the computer. Where I still make pancakes for them. Where my wife still loves me. What if I miss the parts where I can still eat a pizza without worrying about the consequences. What if I miss the part where I can still call the loved ones. I don't even know which part of the thread I am on. Do I have some silver left or am I already too far down the dirty thread already.

...and miles to go before I sleep

 Or is it just a few yards?

I came face to face with mortality again today. A certain test came out positive. The kind of test that is an indicator of finality. Follow up next week. Maybe there will be nothing else. Maybe there will be nothing else beyond it.

I never believed that I will live too long. Based on when my parents passed away, I don't have any hopes of seeing my seventies. The day I realized this, I was in early 40s and it was a gut punch to think that I have lived through 2/3rds of my life. With each passing year, I think of remaining years in different terms. This year, the remaining years won't qualify as adult in most countries. Next year, the remaining years wont be allowed to drive. Soon the remaining years won't be long enough to hit puberty, then teething, walk, crawl...With today's result, I got the feeling that maybe I get to skip all the boring parts and get fast tracked to where it is only the rolling over that is remaining.

But how did I ever lose all the time when I played by the rules (for the most part)? I still have so much to teach my kids, so many stories to tell, so many math problems to help with, so many dad jokes to crack, so many experiences to create. I haven't even told them what a Philips screwdriver is or how to change a bulb, leave alone a car tire. I haven't even thought of the first shaving set to gift to my son or the first car I will get my daughter. We were still working on getting her braces off.

How will I ever compress everything into months? What do I leave out? What if it is something they will really really need later? I thought I will atleast get to walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. Hell, I even had the wedding speech halfway prepared. Which words do I modify to make it fit a middle school graduation speech?

It's weird to think of all the books and tv series I may not have a chance to finish. I was about to order a couple of books today. Now I will hold off till the follow up. Same with the life insurance policy I was planning to terminate. Maybe I won't need to do either. 

The time between now and the follow up will be spent wondering about what happens when I get the final result. Will I change anything if the result is negative and life goes on along it's uncertain ways? Will I get time to "get the affairs in order" if the flip of the coin lands the other way?

The suckiest thing is that I got the news about the possible death knell on the birthday of the person who birthed me.

The sweetest songs are those that tell of our saddest thoughts

 Probably my last post on the shitty year...

I was sad, dejected, down in the dumps and had so many words to express the thoughts. Didn't capture all of them (well) but still managed a few.

Things seem to be turning around and I am suddenly out of words. I have no words to express the joy, the elation, the apprehension I feel. As I always maintain - words are my best friends and my worst foes...

Turn a new leaf

 So...the last year or so was pretty shitty. I saw a side of myself that I never knew I had and one I hope I never see again. 

I was bitter at most of times. I was down most of times. I snapped at people. I stopped talking to some. I cried when I was alone. I cried in the parking lots. I stayed up at nights. I screamed when I knew there was no one to hear me. I had pretty dark thoughts. I felt worthless. I questioned my existence, my right to live, laugh or enjoy. I thought about good times in my past and thought how I could have felt happy then when I am so miserable now. I hated meeting people for fear of answering questions.

Some people questioned my bitterness and told me everything will be ok. Some read through this misery and told me everything will be ok. I wondered whether I was really so cheerful generally that I can't even hide my misery and fake happiness. If the tough times were a test of strength of my character, I don't think I will give myself a passing grade. I always thought of myself as better than that. I took pride in hiding my emotions.

What crushes me is that some of the worst is over, and now I don't have my misery as an excuse. Will my behavior change or is this bitterness here to stay?

Where there is a will too

 Just re-read my previous post and I realize that it comes across as saying that I think nothing of myself (even though that's exactly what I say) but that probably doesn't capture what I want to express.

I just think I am not very special. For what it is worth, I don't think anyone is. If anyone tells me that they are special because they went to so and so school or because they worked at so and so company, my thought is that there were scores before you and there will probably be scores after you. What's the big deal? It's not even about humility. I am not exactly humble. I am just genuinely amused when anyone praises me. Not saying that I don't like it, I do. I actually think - wow, how shitty has your experience been? Do I need to take off my rose tinted glasses?

None of this is making any sense...

Where there is a will...

 Not too long ago, someone I am distantly related to, went through a difficult surgery. The recovery was thankfully better than expected. Their son told me his dad has an amazing will to live and that he is a fighter which helped with the recovery. Sadly, his uncle passed away recently and he told me that this time, their uncle had lost the will to live a while back so it was no surprise that they could not recover.

 These two incidents got me thinking again about a point I have pondered off and on for the last decade or so - what happens when/if I go through anything like that? Will I have the will to live or will I give up too easily? Will it even matter? Does it?

 I have often been accused of not having enough drive, of always being very passive and being very willing to accept things as they are. I have opposed this thought as much as I can but I do wonder if it is all perception or there is some truth to it. It does hurt when people think I am so passive that I am a pushover. When the time comes, will I be very willing to accept whatever the Grim Reaper commands me to? Will I fight to be with the ones I love? Are there any ones I love enough to stay back for? Will these loved ones really care when I am gone? If I am sick too long, will these loved ones wish that I was gone soon? Even if it is on the pretext of alleviating my suffering rather than their own?

 Maybe my issue is not about being passive but about having too low of a self-esteem. Having lost both of my parents did get me thinking a lot about mortality but I have often wondered if I am anyone even mildly special. I am at a low point in my professional life right now so even though this plays on my mind, I have never really thought very highly of myself.

If there ever comes a point where my will should become a matter of life and death, I hope the decision I make will be with the best of my loved ones in mind than my own.