Had to recently prepare a eulogy for father of a close family member. Someone I had been acquainted with for more than half my life but, for whom, I couldn't muster even half a minute of words without taking the help of internet. Two things struck hard...
I spent more time thinking what I didn't say about my dad. What if I had
the chance to say a eulogy for him. Will I say a lot or will I stumble
because I feel like I barely knew him. I never got a chance to ask him about his life, his childhood, his
struggles, his hopes and dreams. How did I never bother to ask him about
what he felt about losing his dad when he was 11 and getting bundled
off to a boarding school. Or why he chose the path in life he did. Or what he feels about mom. Or us. What about his crushes? Did he have any girlfriend? How do I know that his brother had a girlfriend but not if he had one. How did I take him for granted so much that
for 30 years I never thought of asking him about him. That was about
half of his life and all of mine. It hurt to realize that I knew my
father only marginally better than someone else's. I have so many
questions from the last 17 years but no one to ask them
from..
One website said I should start thinking about my own eulogy. Coupled with my belief that 3 quarters of my life is behind me, this one devolved into the scenario where my widow is reading a speech that cracks everyone up. Yeah, typical me. Even after my body is cold as hell, I am cold as hell. I was more concerned with making sure people laugh at my last words than with the mental state of people I will leave behind. While I may want to believe that no one will care two hoots that I am gone, the fact is that some will. I think. I hope?
Way back when, saw this movie where this mobster boasts that he can walk away from anything dear to him within 30 seconds (or something to that effect). I internalized it too much I guess. I look at my work desk and I can walk away in 30sec without losing anything. Looks like I am preparing my personal life the same way. I think I am taking this detachment thing too far...
