Have been thinking a long time about this. About time I gave my version of the story. Come out clean. Wash my hands of this matter once and for all....hopefully
For as long as I can remember, friends and foes alike have sometimes accused, sometimes suggested to me that I am a closed person. That I don't share my feelings. AT ALL. I have often wondered how much of that is true. And I guess the answer is that most of it is.
Growing up, somehow I had this in my mind that one is not supposed to share the family stuff with others. That used to be the most personal stuff during childhood anyway. Don't get me wrong. I come from a happy home. There were not many dark family secrets that I could have told anybody. Nothing juicy enough or tragic enough that it can become a conversation matter amongst friends.
Somewhere along the way, that trait got so ingrained in me that sharing personal stuff just made me plain uncomfortable. I always take pride in putting a happy face for the world. How can I tell the world that my closet had a few shelves full of dark stuff.
Going from school to college, I started hearing this accusation more and more often. My friends will request me to tell them what I felt. They will threaten that I won't hear any personal stuff from them either. They will counsel me that it is wrong to keep the feelings bottled in. They will make fun of me. But I didn't wilt under peer pressure. It did get me thinking though. They are my friends after all. What harm could possibly be done by telling them what I feel? Hell, while in school, they didn't even know the girls that I will have a crush on. That's how private a person i was.
I decided I will change. I will try and open up ever so slowly. I did. With disastrous consequences ofcourse. Looking back at it, I guess what my friends did was not to hurt me voluntarily. It was done inadvertently. They just happened to mention things that I had told them in confidence. It just affected me deeply. No one person or one incident. Almost all of them did. It HURT!! It shouldn't have, but it did. And I decided that I will clam up. FOR LIFE!
Almost a decade later, I do realize that it was all silly stuff. But the habit was so ingrained in me that it is impossible to do otherwise. All the years I spent from home by myself just cemented that trait. During all those years, I decided to be my own best friend. I lacked the imagination to make imaginary friends anyway, so I decided that I will give me company. I will understand myself. I have always been an introvert. Being a clam just followed.
So, to all the people in my life who have had this complaint, please don't misunderstand me. It is not that I don't trust you. Anybody will be lucky to find people like you. I am damn lucky to have found all of you in one lifetime. This is just how I am. This is a part of being me. I thought that is the unwritten code of friendships...you accept your friends as they are. You become friends with them because of who they are. Can I expect the same from you???
For as long as I can remember, friends and foes alike have sometimes accused, sometimes suggested to me that I am a closed person. That I don't share my feelings. AT ALL. I have often wondered how much of that is true. And I guess the answer is that most of it is.
Growing up, somehow I had this in my mind that one is not supposed to share the family stuff with others. That used to be the most personal stuff during childhood anyway. Don't get me wrong. I come from a happy home. There were not many dark family secrets that I could have told anybody. Nothing juicy enough or tragic enough that it can become a conversation matter amongst friends.
Somewhere along the way, that trait got so ingrained in me that sharing personal stuff just made me plain uncomfortable. I always take pride in putting a happy face for the world. How can I tell the world that my closet had a few shelves full of dark stuff.
Going from school to college, I started hearing this accusation more and more often. My friends will request me to tell them what I felt. They will threaten that I won't hear any personal stuff from them either. They will counsel me that it is wrong to keep the feelings bottled in. They will make fun of me. But I didn't wilt under peer pressure. It did get me thinking though. They are my friends after all. What harm could possibly be done by telling them what I feel? Hell, while in school, they didn't even know the girls that I will have a crush on. That's how private a person i was.
I decided I will change. I will try and open up ever so slowly. I did. With disastrous consequences ofcourse. Looking back at it, I guess what my friends did was not to hurt me voluntarily. It was done inadvertently. They just happened to mention things that I had told them in confidence. It just affected me deeply. No one person or one incident. Almost all of them did. It HURT!! It shouldn't have, but it did. And I decided that I will clam up. FOR LIFE!
Almost a decade later, I do realize that it was all silly stuff. But the habit was so ingrained in me that it is impossible to do otherwise. All the years I spent from home by myself just cemented that trait. During all those years, I decided to be my own best friend. I lacked the imagination to make imaginary friends anyway, so I decided that I will give me company. I will understand myself. I have always been an introvert. Being a clam just followed.
So, to all the people in my life who have had this complaint, please don't misunderstand me. It is not that I don't trust you. Anybody will be lucky to find people like you. I am damn lucky to have found all of you in one lifetime. This is just how I am. This is a part of being me. I thought that is the unwritten code of friendships...you accept your friends as they are. You become friends with them because of who they are. Can I expect the same from you???
