Still missing you...

I don't think I have harbored any illusions that my dad and I were anything more than father and son. We never did progress to being "friends". Maybe we could have but time is fickle.

I somehow have very few memories of him and know that we didn't spend a lot of quality time together. But, for some reason, last few days I have been recalling some time that we did get to spend together. couple of instances stand out:

1. I was very young, probably not even in me teens yet. You will take me with you to Sirhind Club. You will have your whiskey there and get me a Lime Juice Cordial. I loved loved loved it. And I will have french fries with it. I have no recollection of who you would have a drink with but I do know there was someone else. I don't recall how many times it even happened. I can recall maybe 1-2 instances. Was that it or were there more? 

I have been trying to imagine the conversation that would have prompted me accompanying you. Was it you asking me if I wanted to tag along or did I insist on tagging along or did mummy ask you to take me with you. Somehow, all scenarios seem as likely as they seem unlikely. I am frustrated that I can't remember more. I am frustrated that I didn't cherish those times. Why do I remember the lime juice cordial and the french fries more than those precious hours. I just never ever had lime juice cordial again. I don't even know how to make it but the name is seared in the memory. 

2. I was in my teens and we went on a road trip while you were visiting some of the people you did business with. This required multiple stops across the state. At that time, the state had some amazing hotels for tourists. I recall that they were named after the native birds of the region. I recall some of the establishments. I recall a couple of shops we went to. I recall a couple of things you bought for me. Why can't I recall a single conversation you and I had? I am sure we talked during those many days on the trip. We did. Didn't we? 

I have no recollection of any meal we had together. Did you ask me what I would have liked to eat? Or did you decide what we should? I think I forced you to go to one of the resorts which was out of your way because there was a big fair in that city and you agreed. Was there just one trip or were there multiple. I think more than 1 but memories are all jumbled together.

Did I take books with me to read? Or did we actually talk during those trips? Again, what was the conversation that would have prompted me accompanying you. Was it you asking me if I wanted to tag along or did I insist on tagging along or did mummy ask you to take me with you. Was it the summer break or was it school time. Somehow, all scenarios seem as likely as they seem unlikely. I am frustrated that I remember the rooms better than our conversation. I am frustrated that I can remember the shop better than I can remember the meals we would have had together. I am frustrated that I have no recollection of how we did the packing? Did I pack my clothes separately or together? 

Was this the trip where you figured out that I am unfit to take over the family business? Was this the trip where you realized that your brother's son was probably the son you don't have? That your son was better off charting his own course than yours? Sorry if I didn't pass the test I was unaware I was taking on that trip.

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I can't remember better.

Consciously or sub-consciously, I have tried to create more memories with my kids. I hope they don't struggle to recall happy moments when I am gone.

 

A milestone... may be

 Forgot to say or mark it somehow but March 25th marked 25years in my adopted country. That's more than half my life now. Well, when I came here, I was only assured of about 3 odd months and was half prepared to go back after that if things didn't pan out financially. 

And to think that the final decision took me no time at all. Even though I had been trying to come here for a few months, it didn't pan out for one reason or another and I had given up all hopes.

Then, one day, someone calls home on the day I happen to be there (I was living in a different city at that time... and there were no cellphones). They ask if I am interested and I say yes. I didn't even ask anyone about the impact it will have on their lives. About 3 weeks later, I land in the country that will become my home and a country I don't foresee leaving.

In a blink of an eye, my life took an entirely different turn. I always hear about how people plan their lives for months and years and wonder how I used to be able to take life altering decisions with nary a thought about a long term plan. Some call it foolishness, I call it the only way I knew how to live. 

Can't do that anymore though. The split-second decision was easy when I was the dependent rather than now when some others may depend on me.

Oh well! Not like I will have another 25years here... or anywhere

RFC - Reqeust for Closure

So, it's been a while since the "chance encounter" I imagined happening, happened. 

At that point, I thought if there will be a 1:1 meet (stop lying you bastard, you wouldn't have stopped at one) I will get over the whole thing. Ever since "bumping" into her, I have thought of her much less.

But we still haven't met.

I don't know how many times to send her a message asking to meet without sounding too creepy. When we chatted last, she wanted to meet. But we have never found the time. Mostly because of her schedule.

There is a festival thingie in 2 days. I am waiting for her to wish me so I can remind her that we have to meet.  I just am unsure if this is the only time we will ever meet (if, that is) or will this be first of many.

"In" it or "On" it? Let's call the whole thing off

'tis the season for giving. Giving feedback, that is.

Did this 360 thing at work where people at different levels give you feedback on your management style etc. Scored pretty low overall. Some of it matched my assessment of self and some was way off. The manager's feedback sucked a bit but was not exactly a surprise (that's a good thing). 

The team's feedback was a bit of a surprise though. I always believed that I care for and take care of my team and I am way better managing down than up. For them to believe that I don't give them credit or I don't share info with them or I micromanage them mismatched my own assessment. I really work hard to take care of them and toot their horn at every possible opportunity. If they still feel underserved, it really sucks to hear.What I thought was giving them freedom is perceived as lack of direction and not enough positive reinforcement.

One common theme was that I should be more "on" the business than "in" the business. Vision over minutiae in simple terms. Fair! But as a highly unimaginative person who has had no mentor, I don't know how to do strategy. I am just winging it.

To top it all, my better half chose the same day to give me feedback and it was on the same lines. Looks like I am more "in" the relationship than "on" the relationship. What I thought of as giving her freedom is considered as lack of caring for her and not giving her enough positive reinforcements. I was called out for being sour, for not having any friends and for an innate ability to even make new friends. 

Net of this whole thing is that I suck 360 in both personal and professional spheres. I am actually perfectly fine at being average. I lost the ambition to be above-par a long time ago. However, knowing that I am below average at even being average is just a different level of insulting.

I read somewhere that the criticism that hurts the most is the one that echoes our self-condemnation. sounds pretty spot-on right now.

I have worked very hard at being nice to people but I also know that I have a sharp tongue so my words may not always match my intentions. My attempt at being funny or quick witted is seen mostly negatively most of the times. If everyone thinks so, it must be so. It goes to the core of who I am. Or who I ended up being building that defense mechanism.

I think I used to be a different person before pandemic. A lot happened during pandemic that changed me for the worse forever. There's a part of me that wants to be a better person and there is a part that wonders about being so misunderstood by so many people that there may be no hope. I am not so rich that I can get away with being a dick all the time.

So, what's next? I think I will try and be a better human. Let's see how long the charade lasts. 

Sometimes I can't wait for all this nonsense to end.

New year but no new beginnings yet

 A lot has happened since the last post.

The previously mentioned trip to birth country was completed without any major incident or long term impact (the latter may yet unfold at an unknown future date). It was good to meet some folks I have not seen in years and decades. Lot of family drama as expected - mostly from those it was expected from. The second half was a holiday from a holiday and it was good to create new memories. No one got sick, most of the flights were on time so it was a pretty good trip all said and done.

A company reached out for a job. Everything fit to a 'T' but they came back today to tell me that they went with the other candidate (almost certainly because they were cheaper). On one hand, it feels good to know that I couldn't do much to change the decision if that was the tie-breaker but it also bums me out that I lost a 2 person race. Happening quite often honestly to be of any use to my confidence. The gig would have been good and probably something that would have had a future...

I had imagined all the scenarios where this was it and I was already half checked out. I just haven't come this close to being a great fit and knowing it. The bummer is that I have to start all over again now. Sisyphus - I feel you brother.

Oh well... hopefully I will have something better to report next time.