"In" it or "On" it? Let's call the whole thing off

'tis the season for giving. Giving feedback, that is.

Did this 360 thing at work where people at different levels give you feedback on your management style etc. Scored pretty low overall. Some of it matched my assessment of self and some was way off. The manager's feedback sucked a bit but was not exactly a surprise (that's a good thing). 

The team's feedback was a bit of a surprise though. I always believed that I care for and take care of my team and I am way better managing down than up. For them to believe that I don't give them credit or I don't share info with them or I micromanage them mismatched my own assessment. I really work hard to take care of them and toot their horn at every possible opportunity. If they still feel underserved, it really sucks to hear.What I thought was giving them freedom is perceived as lack of direction and not enough positive reinforcement.

One common theme was that I should be more "on" the business than "in" the business. Vision over minutiae in simple terms. Fair! But as a highly unimaginative person who has had no mentor, I don't know how to do strategy. I am just winging it.

To top it all, my better half chose the same day to give me feedback and it was on the same lines. Looks like I am more "in" the relationship than "on" the relationship. What I thought of as giving her freedom is considered as lack of caring for her and not giving her enough positive reinforcements. I was called out for being sour, for not having any friends and for an innate ability to even make new friends. 

Net of this whole thing is that I suck 360 in both personal and professional spheres. I am actually perfectly fine at being average. I lost the ambition to be above-par a long time ago. However, knowing that I am below average at even being average is just a different level of insulting.

I read somewhere that the criticism that hurts the most is the one that echoes our self-condemnation. sounds pretty spot-on right now.

I have worked very hard at being nice to people but I also know that I have a sharp tongue so my words may not always match my intentions. My attempt at being funny or quick witted is seen mostly negatively most of the times. If everyone thinks so, it must be so. It goes to the core of who I am. Or who I ended up being building that defense mechanism.

I think I used to be a different person before pandemic. A lot happened during pandemic that changed me for the worse forever. There's a part of me that wants to be a better person and there is a part that wonders about being so misunderstood by so many people that there may be no hope. I am not so rich that I can get away with being a dick all the time.

So, what's next? I think I will try and be a better human. Let's see how long the charade lasts. 

Sometimes I can't wait for all this nonsense to end.