Heard this song recently....."teri khusbooo mein base khat mein jalata kaise" - how could I have burned the letters soaked in your essence. Transported me to a phase of my life from a while back...
There was this girl...
- We were together in 8th grade and I had a massive crush on her. I wasn't the only one though. Probably half the boys were in the same situation (some close friends included). I was never vocal about my feelings. However, I do remember many many afternoons after school where I will make up a reason to wait on the side of the road with my bike till her school bus passed by. Now, we were in the same class but just that glimpse of her made the rest of my day. It was so private a ritual that it helped me get through the rest of my day.
I would always always take a detour while going to my friend's house just to pass in front of her house. I never, not even once, saw her there but that didn't matter. It was enough to know that I passed by her house. Hey, I was 13! It was pretty darn romantic.
End of grade 8, she moved to a different town. My 8 month crush came to an end. The story would have ended there but....
- 12th grade. I had taken this course to get into elite engineering colleges. We had a mock test in a different city. And who do I run into, but her. And who does not say a word - me. I was tongue tied. I didn't know what to say. Test ends, she drives by on her bike. I am standing on the side while she is driving by and I cannot even bring myself to say hi. Though I had enough energy to throw my stuff in the dirt after she left. The story would have ended there but....
- End of high school. I give a few exams and try my luck in a few colleges. I am in the line for the entrance for one of the colleges with my dad and who is the row right behind us...yep! The whole process lasts maybe an hour and the sum total of words spoken by me to her....zero. The story would have ended there but....
- I finally decide on an engineering college and realize who is in the same college......sigh, yes...her. Anybody would have taken the hint by now but I ain't anybody. Fast forward to 4 years and we barely exchange a few words. Someone who shared the same first name tried to help me but that didn't pan out (story for another blog post another day). The story would have ended there but....
- I start working after college and end up rooming with a guy whose close friend is in the same masters program as this girl. On his urging, I wrote the one and only love letter to her. Credit where credit is due, she responded. She told me there was someone else in her life (this was the only letter addressed to me that my mom opened and read but that is a topic for another day). The story would have ended there but....
- Few months later, she emailed me to ask if she can get internship in my company. We met, we talked. She told me that "when I read your words, you make me cry. When I meet you, you make me laugh". Story of my life I guess. She also said - "don't tell him (her boyfriend) about this". I was confused. I was not embarrassed about my feelings for her. Maybe she was...about me. The story would have ended there and it did (facebook stalking for the next few years not withstanding)
When I got the letter from her, it hurt. It hurt to know what I already knew. I decided i will keep it close to me till someone actually said "I love you" to me. This was my revenge to show her that I can be loved. I kept the letter in my wallet.
Took longer than expected...I was starting to get really worried about this....but I was in Bangkok for work a few years later having just left a girl in US after knowing her briefly. In one of her emails, she told me that she loved me. Surely that counted. That evening, I went to the balcony of that hotel and lit the letter on fire telling the wind that there is someone who actually loves me. The moment I was done with beating my chest, I realized that the ashes of the letter were blowing all over and people were looking up to find the source.
I made myself lost in shadows...again.
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