Best laid plans and all that

So..... 2020 happened. Not just to me. To everyone. But I care about the one that matter to me - ME

2020 pretty much started with the job loss for my spouse. Things were pretty much downhill from there. My job loss followed. While I know that the loss was more for political reasons than for my capability, I cannot help thinking that it is a reflection on who I am.

I changed job last year. In hindsight, I got swayed by promise of instant money. I should have known better. I am not meant for instant mega riches. I was only supposed to gradually get more. Inevitable followed - horrible year at the job followed by the loss of income. What did I gain - not much apart from the understanding of what not to do and who not to trust. I have always maintained that I have learned more from bad managers than from the good ones. It's time to extend that to jobs and friends.

Last year has been soul-crushing. I heard from multiple people that I am not good enough. I sensed it in a few others. So much so that I believed it for the most part. Then I talked to my colleagues from previous job and they told me that I am better than I think I am. Not sure who is delusional. Maybe I am.

The job search hasn't done much for my confidence either. I am flunking interviews that I could clear in my sleep. I am getting a chance to do some consulting work but I am too polite to ask for more money. I was always polite but I thought I was able to stand up for myself. Where did the fire go?

Just the other day, the igniter in our stove went out. My first thought wasn't how to fix it but "I understand". I feel like I have lost the spark. This is not the first time in my career that it has happened. The last time it happened, I ended up getting a gig that I will consider my best ever. I will gladly give up a kidney to be part of that team again....oh, the benefits of hindsight.

I look for signs that I will come out of it better than before. It might take time but I will sail through it. I have days of despair interspersed with days of hope. I have never not worked and this feeling of having failed my wife and kids is weighing on my conscience. I am honest with my kids about the situation but can't ignore the nagging feeling of what they will see their dad as, maybe in 5-10 years when they understand the realities of life. I am drowning myself in books to ignore the voices in my head but I don't know how long I can keep this going. One thing is for certain, I will be so grateful to get the next job that I will give it 200%.

I have maybe 15-20 years left in my career. I just need a chance. I just need someone to take a chance on me. They won't be sorry.