The arc of life

I lost my father when I was 30, my mother when I was 40. I am too scared to turn 50.

While my father's death broke me and made me question everything, my mother's death made me question my own mortality. I had this sudden realization that considering the fact that both my parents didn't live past 65 and I was on my early 40s, if genetics had their say, then I was done with 2/3rds of my life already.

I have this belief, whether rational or not, that I will not live much past 65. It is a gut-punch when you realize that you have lived longer than you have left to live. When the road ahead is much shorter than what you see in the rear-view mirror. You wonder where you were at the half way point, at the 1/3rd point. How did you not realize that you have already lived most of your life. That you may have a mere 20-25 years to live.

As the years pile on and the medicine cabinet gets a new addition every couple or years, I realize that my genetics are stronger than my will to defeat them with better living. Are all those hours of post-exercise muscle pain worth it? Was the salad diet a worthy pay off in the end? Will I have the same number of years if I become a slob. Do I get a few more years if I eat healthier and work out even more? Where is the payoff?

Every flutter in the heart, every muscle pain makes me realize that my best years are probably behind me. I read somewhere that "we are all put on this earth to do a specific set of things. Right now, I am so far behind that I will never die". I always thought I had such a long list of books to read that I don't have the luxury to die right now but these days, I feel myself subconsciously prioritizing what I have left to do. I am quick to drop anything that doesn't interest me. I don't want to lose out on my to-read/to-watch pile when the time comes. My OCD mind wouldn't want something left midway. I want to use every waking hour tying up the lose ends.

 

There was this joke doing the rounds around the time the world was supposed to end on the basis of the Mayan calendar - no way is the world going to end in X days, my yogurt has an expiration date beyond that. These days, when I buy yogurt, I always think back to that joke and wonder if the yogurt I buy now is the one that has an expiration date longer than mine.