Hanging by a thread

 Forever plus many moons ago, I read a story which goes something like this...

A kid is fed up of his daily struggles at school and wishes to get over all this mundane life of going to school, homework, routine etc and he wishes he can just skip to when he can control his destiny. He meets the fairy godmother (or djinn or satan or tooth fairy, doesn't matter) and gets this device where he can pull this golden thread to fast forward his life. The more thread he pulls out, the more he gets to skip. You get the idea. The condition being, he can't go back as the thread disappears once it is taken out. (sidebar: in my mind, I always pictured this as a floss dispenser. This is before I ever saw a floss dispenser in my life. And I have never been able to use a floss dispenser ever without feeling a bit of apprehension. Yes, I have issues. But that's a story for another day).

So, this kid promptly pulls the thread and moves to his youth, doesn't like the rigmarole of college and pulls more and realizes that the thread is silver now and he is an adult. Life is tougher. There is a job to go to and bills to pay. Fast forward, pull some more, get to bronze thread, family and kids, more responsibilities, more stress, more pulling, regular thread now, middle age, health to worry about, pills to imbibe, kids college to worry about, more pulling, very thin and dirty thread, old age, various afflictions, loneliness, longing for the age of golden thread etc etc...you get the idea...

I don't remember how the story ends but I am sure it's got something to do without enjoying the fucking moment etc but there are times in my life I have wished for this floss dispenser so that I can fast forward the tough times and just get to the good parts. 

Today was a crisis of confidence kind of day. I always thought I had more talent than ambition. Today was the day that made me believe the other way. Today was the day where I wish I could pull the thread and get to the good parts. 

But lately, any such thought is accompanied by the worry about pulling too much of that thread. Having this strong belief that I have less than a third of my life left, what if I miss the parts where my kids are still designing the Halloween costumes. Where they are still dependent on me to log into the computer. Where I still make pancakes for them. Where my wife still loves me. What if I miss the parts where I can still eat a pizza without worrying about the consequences. What if I miss the part where I can still call the loved ones. I don't even know which part of the thread I am on. Do I have some silver left or am I already too far down the dirty thread already.

...and miles to go before I sleep

 Or is it just a few yards?

I came face to face with mortality again today. A certain test came out positive. The kind of test that is an indicator of finality. Follow up next week. Maybe there will be nothing else. Maybe there will be nothing else beyond it.

I never believed that I will live too long. Based on when my parents passed away, I don't have any hopes of seeing my seventies. The day I realized this, I was in early 40s and it was a gut punch to think that I have lived through 2/3rds of my life. With each passing year, I think of remaining years in different terms. This year, the remaining years won't qualify as adult in most countries. Next year, the remaining years wont be allowed to drive. Soon the remaining years won't be long enough to hit puberty, then teething, walk, crawl...With today's result, I got the feeling that maybe I get to skip all the boring parts and get fast tracked to where it is only the rolling over that is remaining.

But how did I ever lose all the time when I played by the rules (for the most part)? I still have so much to teach my kids, so many stories to tell, so many math problems to help with, so many dad jokes to crack, so many experiences to create. I haven't even told them what a Philips screwdriver is or how to change a bulb, leave alone a car tire. I haven't even thought of the first shaving set to gift to my son or the first car I will get my daughter. We were still working on getting her braces off.

How will I ever compress everything into months? What do I leave out? What if it is something they will really really need later? I thought I will atleast get to walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. Hell, I even had the wedding speech halfway prepared. Which words do I modify to make it fit a middle school graduation speech?

It's weird to think of all the books and tv series I may not have a chance to finish. I was about to order a couple of books today. Now I will hold off till the follow up. Same with the life insurance policy I was planning to terminate. Maybe I won't need to do either. 

The time between now and the follow up will be spent wondering about what happens when I get the final result. Will I change anything if the result is negative and life goes on along it's uncertain ways? Will I get time to "get the affairs in order" if the flip of the coin lands the other way?

The suckiest thing is that I got the news about the possible death knell on the birthday of the person who birthed me.

The sweetest songs are those that tell of our saddest thoughts

 Probably my last post on the shitty year...

I was sad, dejected, down in the dumps and had so many words to express the thoughts. Didn't capture all of them (well) but still managed a few.

Things seem to be turning around and I am suddenly out of words. I have no words to express the joy, the elation, the apprehension I feel. As I always maintain - words are my best friends and my worst foes...

Turn a new leaf

 So...the last year or so was pretty shitty. I saw a side of myself that I never knew I had and one I hope I never see again. 

I was bitter at most of times. I was down most of times. I snapped at people. I stopped talking to some. I cried when I was alone. I cried in the parking lots. I stayed up at nights. I screamed when I knew there was no one to hear me. I had pretty dark thoughts. I felt worthless. I questioned my existence, my right to live, laugh or enjoy. I thought about good times in my past and thought how I could have felt happy then when I am so miserable now. I hated meeting people for fear of answering questions.

Some people questioned my bitterness and told me everything will be ok. Some read through this misery and told me everything will be ok. I wondered whether I was really so cheerful generally that I can't even hide my misery and fake happiness. If the tough times were a test of strength of my character, I don't think I will give myself a passing grade. I always thought of myself as better than that. I took pride in hiding my emotions.

What crushes me is that some of the worst is over, and now I don't have my misery as an excuse. Will my behavior change or is this bitterness here to stay?

Where there is a will too

 Just re-read my previous post and I realize that it comes across as saying that I think nothing of myself (even though that's exactly what I say) but that probably doesn't capture what I want to express.

I just think I am not very special. For what it is worth, I don't think anyone is. If anyone tells me that they are special because they went to so and so school or because they worked at so and so company, my thought is that there were scores before you and there will probably be scores after you. What's the big deal? It's not even about humility. I am not exactly humble. I am just genuinely amused when anyone praises me. Not saying that I don't like it, I do. I actually think - wow, how shitty has your experience been? Do I need to take off my rose tinted glasses?

None of this is making any sense...

Where there is a will...

 Not too long ago, someone I am distantly related to, went through a difficult surgery. The recovery was thankfully better than expected. Their son told me his dad has an amazing will to live and that he is a fighter which helped with the recovery. Sadly, his uncle passed away recently and he told me that this time, their uncle had lost the will to live a while back so it was no surprise that they could not recover.

 These two incidents got me thinking again about a point I have pondered off and on for the last decade or so - what happens when/if I go through anything like that? Will I have the will to live or will I give up too easily? Will it even matter? Does it?

 I have often been accused of not having enough drive, of always being very passive and being very willing to accept things as they are. I have opposed this thought as much as I can but I do wonder if it is all perception or there is some truth to it. It does hurt when people think I am so passive that I am a pushover. When the time comes, will I be very willing to accept whatever the Grim Reaper commands me to? Will I fight to be with the ones I love? Are there any ones I love enough to stay back for? Will these loved ones really care when I am gone? If I am sick too long, will these loved ones wish that I was gone soon? Even if it is on the pretext of alleviating my suffering rather than their own?

 Maybe my issue is not about being passive but about having too low of a self-esteem. Having lost both of my parents did get me thinking a lot about mortality but I have often wondered if I am anyone even mildly special. I am at a low point in my professional life right now so even though this plays on my mind, I have never really thought very highly of myself.

If there ever comes a point where my will should become a matter of life and death, I hope the decision I make will be with the best of my loved ones in mind than my own.

The 2AM friend

The one you call when the whole world is against you, the one who listens without judgement, the one who talks without preaching, the one who drops everything to be there. The one, period.

Who's mine, you ask? No one. I am no one's either.

Never will I ever...

Was watching this random TV show tonight. There was a guy who walks in (London) rain to express his true feelings to the girl he has liked forever. Weirdly, my first thought upon seeing that was I would never do that. However, that thought soon metamorphosed into "I would never do that anymore". That got me thinking about for what else has it been too late. Which all trains have left the station? What am I already too late for? What will I never do anymore? What all do societal norms stop me from? 

While I am not close to what will be considered an old age, I realize that there are some things that I am definitely too late for.  Or maybe it is just not socially acceptable to do so at my age. Some of what would have been endearing 20 years ago would be considered downright creepy now.  Not all of these are regrets though. Some are a sigh of relief in a way.

Without further ado, here it is. I wouldn't anymore..

• Be woken up at odd hours with a call about my parents because "it's time". I am 2 for 2 on that account. Been there and, with a heavy heart, done that.
• Be worried about getting home too late in the night. Wifey is usually asleep by then, mother didn't. 
• Call your home phone to ask your parents to talk to you. I assume you have a cellphone now and, anyway, I wouldn't know how to introduce myself to your husband if he picks up the home phone.
  
• Feel the joy and the pain of being in and out of love. I am married already.
• Know the agony and ecstasy of a crush. I might still get attracted to someone but it will be a little less rational and a little more carnal.
• Wait after school is over to just get another glimpse of you. I just look at social platforms but it is not the same as waiting for you to show up.
  
• Start a job and just show up. There is a team to take care of. There are people to talk to.
• Pack my bags and travel on a whim. There are school schedules to consider.
• Do nothing all day. There are meals to fix, dishes to clean and sundry other things to wrap up. 
• Not worry about where the money in the wallet came from. What's going out is as concerning as how much is coming in.
• Sit for another academic exam. What do I study to excel in the annual health checkups anyway.
• Yearn to know a musical instrument. Not enough talent, not enough sense.
•  Trudge through a book I don't like. Life's too short to go through this big pile of pending books anyway.

Teri khushboo mein base khat

Heard this song recently....."teri khusbooo mein base khat mein jalata kaise" - how could I have burned the letters soaked in your essence. Transported me to a phase of my life from a while back...

There was this girl...

- We were together in 8th grade and I had a massive crush on her. I wasn't the only one though. Probably half the boys were in the same situation (some close friends included). I was never vocal about my feelings. However, I do remember many many afternoons after school where I will make up a reason to wait on the side of the road with my bike till her school bus passed by. Now, we were in the same class but just that glimpse of her made the rest of my day. It was so private a ritual that it helped me get through the rest of my day.

I would always always take a detour while going to my friend's house just to pass in front of her house. I never, not even once, saw her there but that didn't matter. It was enough to know that I passed by her house. Hey, I was 13! It was pretty darn romantic.

End of grade 8, she moved to a different town. My 8 month crush came to an end. The story would have ended there but....

- 12th grade. I had taken this course to get into elite engineering colleges. We had a mock test in a  different city. And who do I run into, but her. And who does not say a word - me. I was tongue tied. I didn't know what to say. Test ends, she drives by on her bike. I am standing on the side while she is driving by and I cannot even bring myself to say hi. Though I had enough energy to throw my stuff in the dirt after she left. The story would have ended there but....

- End of high school. I give a few exams and try my luck in a few colleges. I am in the line for the entrance for one of the colleges with my dad and who is the row right behind us...yep! The whole process lasts maybe an hour and the sum total of words spoken by me to her....zero. The story would have ended there but....

- I finally decide on an engineering college and realize who is in the same college......sigh, yes...her. Anybody would have taken the hint by now but I ain't anybody. Fast forward to 4 years and we barely exchange a few words. Someone who shared the same first name tried to help me but that didn't pan out (story for another blog post another day). The story would have ended there but....

- I start working after college and end up rooming with a guy whose close friend is in the same masters program as this girl. On his urging, I wrote the one and only love letter to her. Credit where credit is due, she responded. She told me there was someone else in her life (this was the only letter addressed to me that my mom opened and read but that is a topic for another day). The story would have ended there but....

- Few months later, she emailed me to ask if she can get internship in my company. We met, we talked. She told me that "when I read your words, you make me cry. When I meet you, you make me laugh". Story of my life I guess. She also said - "don't tell him (her boyfriend) about this". I was confused. I was not embarrassed about my feelings for her. Maybe she was...about me. The story would have ended there and it did (facebook stalking for the next few years not withstanding)

When I got the letter from her, it hurt. It hurt to know what I already knew. I decided i will keep it close to me till someone actually said "I love you" to me. This was my revenge to show her that I can be loved. I kept the letter in my wallet.

Took longer than expected...I was starting to get really worried about this....but I was in Bangkok for work a few years later having just left a girl in US after knowing her briefly. In one of her emails, she told me that she loved me. Surely that counted. That evening, I went to the balcony of that hotel and lit the letter on fire telling the wind that there is someone who actually loves me. The moment I was done with beating my chest, I realized that the ashes of the letter were blowing all over and people were looking up to find the source.

I made myself lost in shadows...again.

Best laid plans and all that

So..... 2020 happened. Not just to me. To everyone. But I care about the one that matter to me - ME

2020 pretty much started with the job loss for my spouse. Things were pretty much downhill from there. My job loss followed. While I know that the loss was more for political reasons than for my capability, I cannot help thinking that it is a reflection on who I am.

I changed job last year. In hindsight, I got swayed by promise of instant money. I should have known better. I am not meant for instant mega riches. I was only supposed to gradually get more. Inevitable followed - horrible year at the job followed by the loss of income. What did I gain - not much apart from the understanding of what not to do and who not to trust. I have always maintained that I have learned more from bad managers than from the good ones. It's time to extend that to jobs and friends.

Last year has been soul-crushing. I heard from multiple people that I am not good enough. I sensed it in a few others. So much so that I believed it for the most part. Then I talked to my colleagues from previous job and they told me that I am better than I think I am. Not sure who is delusional. Maybe I am.

The job search hasn't done much for my confidence either. I am flunking interviews that I could clear in my sleep. I am getting a chance to do some consulting work but I am too polite to ask for more money. I was always polite but I thought I was able to stand up for myself. Where did the fire go?

Just the other day, the igniter in our stove went out. My first thought wasn't how to fix it but "I understand". I feel like I have lost the spark. This is not the first time in my career that it has happened. The last time it happened, I ended up getting a gig that I will consider my best ever. I will gladly give up a kidney to be part of that team again....oh, the benefits of hindsight.

I look for signs that I will come out of it better than before. It might take time but I will sail through it. I have days of despair interspersed with days of hope. I have never not worked and this feeling of having failed my wife and kids is weighing on my conscience. I am honest with my kids about the situation but can't ignore the nagging feeling of what they will see their dad as, maybe in 5-10 years when they understand the realities of life. I am drowning myself in books to ignore the voices in my head but I don't know how long I can keep this going. One thing is for certain, I will be so grateful to get the next job that I will give it 200%.

I have maybe 15-20 years left in my career. I just need a chance. I just need someone to take a chance on me. They won't be sorry.