Still missing you...

I don't think I have harbored any illusions that my dad and I were anything more than father and son. We never did progress to being "friends". Maybe we could have but time is fickle.

I somehow have very few memories of him and know that we didn't spend a lot of quality time together. But, for some reason, last few days I have been recalling some time that we did get to spend together. couple of instances stand out:

1. I was very young, probably not even in me teens yet. You will take me with you to Sirhind Club. You will have your whiskey there and get me a Lime Juice Cordial. I loved loved loved it. And I will have french fries with it. I have no recollection of who you would have a drink with but I do know there was someone else. I don't recall how many times it even happened. I can recall maybe 1-2 instances. Was that it or were there more? 

I have been trying to imagine the conversation that would have prompted me accompanying you. Was it you asking me if I wanted to tag along or did I insist on tagging along or did mummy ask you to take me with you. Somehow, all scenarios seem as likely as they seem unlikely. I am frustrated that I can't remember more. I am frustrated that I didn't cherish those times. Why do I remember the lime juice cordial and the french fries more than those precious hours. I just never ever had lime juice cordial again. I don't even know how to make it but the name is seared in the memory. 

2. I was in my teens and we went on a road trip while you were visiting some of the people you did business with. This required multiple stops across the state. At that time, the state had some amazing hotels for tourists. I recall that they were named after the native birds of the region. I recall some of the establishments. I recall a couple of shops we went to. I recall a couple of things you bought for me. Why can't I recall a single conversation you and I had? I am sure we talked during those many days on the trip. We did. Didn't we? 

I have no recollection of any meal we had together. Did you ask me what I would have liked to eat? Or did you decide what we should? I think I forced you to go to one of the resorts which was out of your way because there was a big fair in that city and you agreed. Was there just one trip or were there multiple. I think more than 1 but memories are all jumbled together.

Did I take books with me to read? Or did we actually talk during those trips? Again, what was the conversation that would have prompted me accompanying you. Was it you asking me if I wanted to tag along or did I insist on tagging along or did mummy ask you to take me with you. Was it the summer break or was it school time. Somehow, all scenarios seem as likely as they seem unlikely. I am frustrated that I remember the rooms better than our conversation. I am frustrated that I can remember the shop better than I can remember the meals we would have had together. I am frustrated that I have no recollection of how we did the packing? Did I pack my clothes separately or together? 

Was this the trip where you figured out that I am unfit to take over the family business? Was this the trip where you realized that your brother's son was probably the son you don't have? That your son was better off charting his own course than yours? Sorry if I didn't pass the test I was unaware I was taking on that trip.

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I can't remember better.

Consciously or sub-consciously, I have tried to create more memories with my kids. I hope they don't struggle to recall happy moments when I am gone.

 

A milestone... may be

 Forgot to say or mark it somehow but March 25th marked 25years in my adopted country. That's more than half my life now. Well, when I came here, I was only assured of about 3 odd months and was half prepared to go back after that if things didn't pan out financially. 

And to think that the final decision took me no time at all. Even though I had been trying to come here for a few months, it didn't pan out for one reason or another and I had given up all hopes.

Then, one day, someone calls home on the day I happen to be there (I was living in a different city at that time... and there were no cellphones). They ask if I am interested and I say yes. I didn't even ask anyone about the impact it will have on their lives. About 3 weeks later, I land in the country that will become my home and a country I don't foresee leaving.

In a blink of an eye, my life took an entirely different turn. I always hear about how people plan their lives for months and years and wonder how I used to be able to take life altering decisions with nary a thought about a long term plan. Some call it foolishness, I call it the only way I knew how to live. 

Can't do that anymore though. The split-second decision was easy when I was the dependent rather than now when some others may depend on me.

Oh well! Not like I will have another 25years here... or anywhere

RFC - Reqeust for Closure

So, it's been a while since the "chance encounter" I imagined happening, happened. 

At that point, I thought if there will be a 1:1 meet (stop lying you bastard, you wouldn't have stopped at one) I will get over the whole thing. Ever since "bumping" into her, I have thought of her much less.

But we still haven't met.

I don't know how many times to send her a message asking to meet without sounding too creepy. When we chatted last, she wanted to meet. But we have never found the time. Mostly because of her schedule.

There is a festival thingie in 2 days. I am waiting for her to wish me so I can remind her that we have to meet.  I just am unsure if this is the only time we will ever meet (if, that is) or will this be first of many.

"In" it or "On" it? Let's call the whole thing off

'tis the season for giving. Giving feedback, that is.

Did this 360 thing at work where people at different levels give you feedback on your management style etc. Scored pretty low overall. Some of it matched my assessment of self and some was way off. The manager's feedback sucked a bit but was not exactly a surprise (that's a good thing). 

The team's feedback was a bit of a surprise though. I always believed that I care for and take care of my team and I am way better managing down than up. For them to believe that I don't give them credit or I don't share info with them or I micromanage them mismatched my own assessment. I really work hard to take care of them and toot their horn at every possible opportunity. If they still feel underserved, it really sucks to hear.What I thought was giving them freedom is perceived as lack of direction and not enough positive reinforcement.

One common theme was that I should be more "on" the business than "in" the business. Vision over minutiae in simple terms. Fair! But as a highly unimaginative person who has had no mentor, I don't know how to do strategy. I am just winging it.

To top it all, my better half chose the same day to give me feedback and it was on the same lines. Looks like I am more "in" the relationship than "on" the relationship. What I thought of as giving her freedom is considered as lack of caring for her and not giving her enough positive reinforcements. I was called out for being sour, for not having any friends and for an innate ability to even make new friends. 

Net of this whole thing is that I suck 360 in both personal and professional spheres. I am actually perfectly fine at being average. I lost the ambition to be above-par a long time ago. However, knowing that I am below average at even being average is just a different level of insulting.

I read somewhere that the criticism that hurts the most is the one that echoes our self-condemnation. sounds pretty spot-on right now.

I have worked very hard at being nice to people but I also know that I have a sharp tongue so my words may not always match my intentions. My attempt at being funny or quick witted is seen mostly negatively most of the times. If everyone thinks so, it must be so. It goes to the core of who I am. Or who I ended up being building that defense mechanism.

I think I used to be a different person before pandemic. A lot happened during pandemic that changed me for the worse forever. There's a part of me that wants to be a better person and there is a part that wonders about being so misunderstood by so many people that there may be no hope. I am not so rich that I can get away with being a dick all the time.

So, what's next? I think I will try and be a better human. Let's see how long the charade lasts. 

Sometimes I can't wait for all this nonsense to end.

New year but no new beginnings yet

 A lot has happened since the last post.

The previously mentioned trip to birth country was completed without any major incident or long term impact (the latter may yet unfold at an unknown future date). It was good to meet some folks I have not seen in years and decades. Lot of family drama as expected - mostly from those it was expected from. The second half was a holiday from a holiday and it was good to create new memories. No one got sick, most of the flights were on time so it was a pretty good trip all said and done.

A company reached out for a job. Everything fit to a 'T' but they came back today to tell me that they went with the other candidate (almost certainly because they were cheaper). On one hand, it feels good to know that I couldn't do much to change the decision if that was the tie-breaker but it also bums me out that I lost a 2 person race. Happening quite often honestly to be of any use to my confidence. The gig would have been good and probably something that would have had a future...

I had imagined all the scenarios where this was it and I was already half checked out. I just haven't come this close to being a great fit and knowing it. The bummer is that I have to start all over again now. Sisyphus - I feel you brother.

Oh well... hopefully I will have something better to report next time.

The knowns and the unknowns

This will almost certainly be the last post for the year. No real reason to write this except, I thought I should write an end of year post where I know it is end of year post. So there's that...

Heading to birth country next week. Equal parts trepidation, excitement, apprehension, concern and possibly most every other emotion known to humankind. Even though this trip is 5 years after the last one, I am hoping I get some time for introspection. There are some questions only I can answer and some answers only I can question.

Career feels like it is at a a standstill. I know there will be no upward mobility but am I too fearful t make the move outside. How do I even do it? Should I wait for the right thing to fall in my lap? Will I have the wisdom to say no to what may not be right? What I know for sure is that I can't be sitting this time next year at the same place. Something has to give. There have been way too many unhappy days but no one to talk to them about. Whosoever said that success is a very lonely pursuit probably didn't know enough about failure. 

While I don't believe I am an abject failure, I do think I haven't come close to what I could have or even what I wanted to achieve. Though, if you ask me, I can't even tell you what "it" is, I know I haven't come close to achieving "it". I seem to have developed a whole new defeatist attitude. I am hoping that the next gig changes it. I am pretty sure I wasn't like this 2 jobs ago.

So much for the holiday season post. Oh well, the vacation should be good. Time to spend the time with the loved ones. 

Let's see what the new year has in store for us.

Chaos Theory

There are a million thoughts racing in my mind but when I try to string a decent sentence together, I am drawing a blank. This is like watching a war scene in a movie where thousands of people are clashing with thousands of others - you can see the overall picture but none of the individual soldiers are distinguishable from others.

On the personal front, I am battling with a question that probably every parent faces in some form or another - how involved do I get in my kids life. I was raised with very hands off parents and I think I turned out ok. I am trying to be a little less hands off than them (not that they set a high bar) but I often wonder if I am still too hands off. It is hard. 

With my significant other, we have settled into a groove after nearly 2 decades of being married to each other. Some of this is the comfort of familiarity. There are still some ups and downs but but the crests and valleys have been smoothed out. The highs are not that high and the lows don't last that long. If I think of this as a waveform, does it mean that the relationship will flatline not too long from now?

Professional front is not that different. I often find myself wondering about how long I have to work. I am still only 48 and not financially secure so it is quite a bit of a defeatist attitude. But maybe I never had the fire in me. There is only so much I can blame on the opportunities presented to me. How many times have I gone out of the comfort zone? Probably not in nearly 2 decades. 

 I see some of my contemporaries and some juniors doing so much better and it stings a bit so maybe I have not lost the fire entirely but I am too timid to challenge the status quo. Yeah, most times the current job sucks with no scope for advancement or decent chunk of money but I still don't know to change any of it. Still waiting for good things to happen to me. I think the last time this happened was nearly a decade ago so it is a fool's errand.

Life has turned out to be very different from the track I thought it had taken once - I am not exactly a very likeable person with a bright future ahead.

The Summer Freeze

 I was watching a webseries today where this lady who goes out for a date with a gray-ish kind of character tells him at the end of the date to not mention it to anyone. It triggered a thought...

Quite a few moons ago, I wrote my one and only love letter to this girl who turned me down. What I didn't mention then is that she contacted me after that letter to ask for an internship in the company I was working at at that time. I don't even know how we did this pre-email and pre-cellphone days but we somehow figured out a day and time to meet.

We met at this small restaurant near my office. She looked resplendent in this dark gray salwar-suit. I somehow could not put 2 decent sentences together in English (not much has changed since then regarding my capability). Some things stick out though.

She mentioned that she was in a relationship with her classmate. I mentioned his name. She was surprised I knew. I told her that everyone knew and I hope she is happy etc (what is this nonsense? I hope that the guy gets serious rash on nether areas or, better still, his penis withers and drops off). 

She mentioned that she loves ice cream. I didn't then and probably still don't really. But I have often thought about this. I hope she controlled her sugar intake in the intervening years. 

Out of the blue, she asked me to not mention my infatuation with her to anyone. I was taken aback. That made no sense. Why should she be embarrassed about my feelings towards her. Was she unsure of her relationship? Was he jealous of me? Was there gossip about me and her in the hostel? Would things have been different if I had talked to her more during all the chance encounters? Would I have preferred it that way? Weirdly, in all these years, when I try to think of alternate reality, she is not the one I think about.

At the end of the meal, I walked her to the bus stop. As we were waiting for the bus, I saw this small sweat drop trickling from behind her ear and down her neck (half a lifetime later, it is still a very vivid memory for some reason). Since I didn't have anything to wipe it with, I had this weird thought of licking it (half a lifetime later, it is still a very vivid memory for some reason). Glad I didn't.

Anyway....she left shortly after. I saw her go knowing fully well that I will probably never see her again. And I was (and am) ok with it. I should have been devastated but I actually felt liberated. Went back to the office and doubled down on flirting with another girl in the office within the next hour...

At the intersection of "what-if" and "you gotta be kidding me"

So, the chance encounter I feel I have been looking forward to for years, happened last week. In some ways, it was exactly how I imagined, in some ways, probably better.

Went to this event which was a gathering of hundreds of folks of same ethnicity. While parking the car, it suddenly struck me - what if the encounter happens today? At this point, it had just become a mental exercise. Every gathering big or small, I imagined the encounter, it never happened. I got a little bummed and thought about the next one. Life went on...
 

Just like every time before this, my eyes were looking everywhere hoping to catch a glimpse of her in a dark theater. Chances were probably less than zero. No sighting at the start of the show or during the break. After the show ended and as everyone was filing to get out, I just smiled at another futile event and prepared for the eventual disappointment. I mean, why would this day be any different? Another 5 seconds here or there and this would have been the same ending as always.

But this was meant to end (begin?) differently. I saw her. I could scarcely believe it. I looked away and then looked again to casually engineer the moment when we casually notice each other at the same time. But… when I saw her notice me, I did a casual wave. I was supposed to act surprised but can you really blame me?

(Sidebar - many moons ago, another chance encounter with someone who shared the same first name... I stood in her way and didn't say a word. If I did, maybe life would have turned out differently. Probably better, it didn't. Maybe? Maybe not?)

We were a few feet away and I motioned that we should catch each other outside. Gave me a minute to collect myself as my legs had turned to jello and the heart was racing a mile, nay, a 100 mile a minute. I am a teenager probably 3 times over. This is not supposed to happen to me.

Went out, met her, could barely put 2 sentences together. Was probably too excited and too nervous and too everything and too nothing at the same time. Probably cut a sentence short and ran away like a teenager. Not before exchanging the digits though ( to my relief, she asked). Glad that the darkness hid the color on my cheeks.

Came back, slept and had an extended conversation in the dreams. Next morning, sent a text on the way to the airport. Wrote it, edited it, edited again, edited once more and didn’t send for a while. But then I did and then started sweating that I didn’t word it properly. Imagining the scenario that the innocuous text is discovered by someone else.

I don’t even know how much of my imagination about the years past is just my imagination. Maybe some, maybe none, maybe all. All I know is that, in an alternate reality, there is more than one ending to this story.

Who writes my scripts?

After a day of travel, I was planning to call my significant other and accidentally pressed the callback button for her from when she had given me her number with a missed call. Honest mistake since they both share the same maiden name (see above for my qurey on my the author of my scripts). Quickly hung up hoping she didn’t see it and kicked myself. Also changed significant other’s name to my last name to avoid future mistakes. 

Not having heard anything by next day, I told myself - you have lived with the imagination for 25 years, what's the big deal about the remaining 17 years (remember - i will be dead by then). Pretty sure I came across really desperate with the text and call. The good thing is, now I get to think of a new scenario because I won’t hear back. I was disappointed but then, in a way, bit relieved or maybe not. Decided that I will not stress about it and move on. It was a very taxing 6am thought!

And then, in the middle of a meeting, the response pops up. I am pretty sure I smiled like an idiot. Didn’t read the response till later because I didn’t want to send a read receipt which was microseconds after I got the text. Yes, I am like that!

She apologized for late response and missing the call. Phew! Dodged that bullet. Nice response from her - Sorry, I was busy. let’s catch up etc.

I respond casually- yeah, whatever. Will call after dinner or won’t. Who knows… (almost responded with - didn’t mean to call you, it was an accident. Glad I kept the honesty in check)

So what do I do after dinner? Accidentally dial her number again!!! I am a (an?) grade A idiot. Make that A+ please. Almost texted that it was an accident dial but choked my honesty to death again.

Anyway, she called back. We talked. For quite a bit. My significant other called and I ignored. Her spouse called, she ignored. We talked for an hour. Felt good. Really good. Really Really good. Like talking to a long lost friend. Not what I had imagined but glad it was this way. I really did miss her and her friendship. Still kicking myself for not keeping in touch.

She says she wants to meet. I would love to. Told her we can meet after her family commitments in a couple of months. I can hardly wait to meet my long lost friend. Someone who knew me for being me.

Yes, in an alternate reality this would have ended differently. But this is my current reality and I am happy for what I have. Do I regret the alternate reality? Does she? I guess I will never know...

Who really does write my scripts?

Sing me a lullaby

At some point in my late teens/early twenties, I got this thing in my head that sleeping fewer hours every night gives me more waking hours to maximize my life. Or maybe this is some shit I read in a book sometime. Here is how the "logic" goes - suppose you life for a 72 years (I had to find a number wholly divisible by both 3 and 4. You will see why). If you sleep an average of 8 hrs a night, you spend a third of your life ( =24 years) in sleeping. However, if you sleep only 6 hrs a night, you only spend a quarter of your life ( =18 years) sleeping. Simple math - you have 6 extra years that you can do amazing things with. Amazing how math works! 

I internalized it very early in life. In my early twenties, I worked hard and, for many years, slept 6 hrs or less every night. I am a light sleeper so it was not as much of an issue as you would think. In my thirties, that became about 6.5 hrs. Sometimes in my forties, it became about 7. Although, for some reason, I just sleep less on weekends than on weekdays. Now, going by my logic, those extra years of accumulated time should have resulted in me cracking the genetic code, or world peace, or hunger or something that monumental by now. The math is not exactly the issue here... The issue is that I am highly unimaginative. In my twenties, I spent those extra hours just partying (mostly). Ever since I got married, most of those hours have been spent reading while my better half sleeps soundly (and wakes up refreshed) by my side. I always envy people who can sleep for long. I cannot remember the last time I slept for 8hrs in a night (and wasn't too drunk or something). Talk about messing up your life based on an ill-conceived notion from your youth. 

However, today, my son asked me how I know so much about everything. Is it because I read so many books? It isn't. But probably makes reading them worth it if he thinks so. Weirdly though, it reminded me of my biggest fear about dying before my kids are fully grown and what not. How will I teach them everything I know about things big or small. How will they know all the trivia in my head? I guess they won't. I just hope they won't make the same mistake that I did of never asking my dad about everything in his head. I didn't ask, he didn't tell. I just don't want my kids to learn everything on their own when I learned so much on their behalf. 

Though I never pay this much heed, is it too much to hope that I will be able to impart bits of it to my grandkids. 

Feeling a little sleepy now....