Chaos Theory

There are a million thoughts racing in my mind but when I try to string a decent sentence together, I am drawing a blank. This is like watching a war scene in a movie where thousands of people are clashing with thousands of others - you can see the overall picture but none of the individual soldiers are distinguishable from others.

On the personal front, I am battling with a question that probably every parent faces in some form or another - how involved do I get in my kids life. I was raised with very hands off parents and I think I turned out ok. I am trying to be a little less hands off than them (not that they set a high bar) but I often wonder if I am still too hands off. It is hard. 

With my significant other, we have settled into a groove after nearly 2 decades of being married to each other. Some of this is the comfort of familiarity. There are still some ups and downs but but the crests and valleys have been smoothed out. The highs are not that high and the lows don't last that long. If I think of this as a waveform, does it mean that the relationship will flatline not too long from now?

Professional front is not that different. I often find myself wondering about how long I have to work. I am still only 48 and not financially secure so it is quite a bit of a defeatist attitude. But maybe I never had the fire in me. There is only so much I can blame on the opportunities presented to me. How many times have I gone out of the comfort zone? Probably not in nearly 2 decades. 

 I see some of my contemporaries and some juniors doing so much better and it stings a bit so maybe I have not lost the fire entirely but I am too timid to challenge the status quo. Yeah, most times the current job sucks with no scope for advancement or decent chunk of money but I still don't know to change any of it. Still waiting for good things to happen to me. I think the last time this happened was nearly a decade ago so it is a fool's errand.

Life has turned out to be very different from the track I thought it had taken once - I am not exactly a very likeable person with a bright future ahead.