The dilemma

 Ambition or capability? What do i have more of?

Of Births and health scares

 Tomorrow marks the day I complete another circle around the ball of fire. Normally, a day for retrospectives etc but this is technically not a milestone birthday (as in, not divisible by 5 or 10 or starting with 1), so retrospective can wait.

A sibling recently had a health scare ( lately, a lot more of that happening with people I know. Probably a sign of my own age). It was a routine surgery at the end of the day but the days and hours leading up to it were nerve-wrecking. This comes on the heels of some scares and recent scares about my own health. Some erroneous test showed that I was on advanced risk for heart attack, another one showed that I am in early stages of a condition I have dreaded me entire life, besides the other one where I have reduced vision in one eye.

But none of those damn test results mattered. I was more worried about this routine surgery than I was about my own (possibly) life-altering conditions. Not trying to be humble but even the thought of having something happen to her sucked the life out of me. 

I have always been selfish so wish I never have to hear any such news about a loved one anymore. Heard recently that death is like stupidity. It affects people around you more than it impacts you. Sorry everyone...

What if?

 What if?

The question that has had humanity perplexed forever. Who hasn't thought about what turn life would have taken if they had taken a right turn instead of left that one time, what if they had said yes instead of no or put that much less thought about that next step. Here's mine...

I have always taken pride in having no regrets. I have lived my life a certain way and I always maintain that I can never know, had I taken a different decision at certain juncture, whether it would have made my life better or worse. Weirdly enough, there is one non-decision I have often wondered about. Whether it was even a choice at that critical (?) juncture or not, I am not sure. All I know is, that I have often wondered if I could have done anything differently then that could have changed the course of my life.

Enough suspense...

Back to the college days - There was this girl that I had a massive crush on (that my first kid shares the birth date with) and this "friend" who would always be my side and shared the first name with the crush (and last name with my wife and birthdate with second kid - yes, life is weird). 

Anyway, I was either too shy, too much of a coward or too unsure, but I never told my crush that I have a crush on her. All the time, the friend would goad me to ask, I think.

Then college ended and life happened. I didn't realize till later but I was lonely in a foreign city and the only person I would call is her. For those who know me, they can understand how big of a deal was it for me to call her home phone and ask her parents to talk to her. I just never realized it for what it was.

I hear she is moving to a different city for a job. In my current imagination, I see myself taking a few days from my current job to go to that city and stand outside her office till I spot her. The then-me was too practical (cheap/blind) to do so. A girlfriend much later told me point blank that I never change my plans based on emotions.

Then one day, the crush came back for a fleeting moment and broke my heart in a million pieces. I called the friend hoping for sympathy but was told I never realized who my true friends were. I was too broken to understand the words hidden behind the words. Weirdly, they didn't even hurt.

Life moves me to a different country. The friend tells me one day that she is getting married and moving to that same country. She does. We talk once - I am flippant. 

15 years pass....life happens

One day, I spot her in the car next to me. I notice her. She does not notice me.Triggers a retrospective. Weird. I have a wife who loves me. I have two kids who are my entire world.

There are still times when I think about what if...

Old songs, new meanings 1

 Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai

Aaj phir marne ka iraada hai

Today, I have a will to live again

Today, I have a desire to end it all...

Ne'er the twain shall meet

 Am I disappointed because I so often fail to live up to my own expectations or because others do? They lost a game they never knew they were playing and didn't know the rules for anyway. What's my excuse?

Hanging by a thread

 Forever plus many moons ago, I read a story which goes something like this...

A kid is fed up of his daily struggles at school and wishes to get over all this mundane life of going to school, homework, routine etc and he wishes he can just skip to when he can control his destiny. He meets the fairy godmother (or djinn or satan or tooth fairy, doesn't matter) and gets this device where he can pull this golden thread to fast forward his life. The more thread he pulls out, the more he gets to skip. You get the idea. The condition being, he can't go back as the thread disappears once it is taken out. (sidebar: in my mind, I always pictured this as a floss dispenser. This is before I ever saw a floss dispenser in my life. And I have never been able to use a floss dispenser ever without feeling a bit of apprehension. Yes, I have issues. But that's a story for another day).

So, this kid promptly pulls the thread and moves to his youth, doesn't like the rigmarole of college and pulls more and realizes that the thread is silver now and he is an adult. Life is tougher. There is a job to go to and bills to pay. Fast forward, pull some more, get to bronze thread, family and kids, more responsibilities, more stress, more pulling, regular thread now, middle age, health to worry about, pills to imbibe, kids college to worry about, more pulling, very thin and dirty thread, old age, various afflictions, loneliness, longing for the age of golden thread etc etc...you get the idea...

I don't remember how the story ends but I am sure it's got something to do without enjoying the fucking moment etc but there are times in my life I have wished for this floss dispenser so that I can fast forward the tough times and just get to the good parts. 

Today was a crisis of confidence kind of day. I always thought I had more talent than ambition. Today was the day that made me believe the other way. Today was the day where I wish I could pull the thread and get to the good parts. 

But lately, any such thought is accompanied by the worry about pulling too much of that thread. Having this strong belief that I have less than a third of my life left, what if I miss the parts where my kids are still designing the Halloween costumes. Where they are still dependent on me to log into the computer. Where I still make pancakes for them. Where my wife still loves me. What if I miss the parts where I can still eat a pizza without worrying about the consequences. What if I miss the part where I can still call the loved ones. I don't even know which part of the thread I am on. Do I have some silver left or am I already too far down the dirty thread already.

...and miles to go before I sleep

 Or is it just a few yards?

I came face to face with mortality again today. A certain test came out positive. The kind of test that is an indicator of finality. Follow up next week. Maybe there will be nothing else. Maybe there will be nothing else beyond it.

I never believed that I will live too long. Based on when my parents passed away, I don't have any hopes of seeing my seventies. The day I realized this, I was in early 40s and it was a gut punch to think that I have lived through 2/3rds of my life. With each passing year, I think of remaining years in different terms. This year, the remaining years won't qualify as adult in most countries. Next year, the remaining years wont be allowed to drive. Soon the remaining years won't be long enough to hit puberty, then teething, walk, crawl...With today's result, I got the feeling that maybe I get to skip all the boring parts and get fast tracked to where it is only the rolling over that is remaining.

But how did I ever lose all the time when I played by the rules (for the most part)? I still have so much to teach my kids, so many stories to tell, so many math problems to help with, so many dad jokes to crack, so many experiences to create. I haven't even told them what a Philips screwdriver is or how to change a bulb, leave alone a car tire. I haven't even thought of the first shaving set to gift to my son or the first car I will get my daughter. We were still working on getting her braces off.

How will I ever compress everything into months? What do I leave out? What if it is something they will really really need later? I thought I will atleast get to walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. Hell, I even had the wedding speech halfway prepared. Which words do I modify to make it fit a middle school graduation speech?

It's weird to think of all the books and tv series I may not have a chance to finish. I was about to order a couple of books today. Now I will hold off till the follow up. Same with the life insurance policy I was planning to terminate. Maybe I won't need to do either. 

The time between now and the follow up will be spent wondering about what happens when I get the final result. Will I change anything if the result is negative and life goes on along it's uncertain ways? Will I get time to "get the affairs in order" if the flip of the coin lands the other way?

The suckiest thing is that I got the news about the possible death knell on the birthday of the person who birthed me.

The sweetest songs are those that tell of our saddest thoughts

 Probably my last post on the shitty year...

I was sad, dejected, down in the dumps and had so many words to express the thoughts. Didn't capture all of them (well) but still managed a few.

Things seem to be turning around and I am suddenly out of words. I have no words to express the joy, the elation, the apprehension I feel. As I always maintain - words are my best friends and my worst foes...

Turn a new leaf

 So...the last year or so was pretty shitty. I saw a side of myself that I never knew I had and one I hope I never see again. 

I was bitter at most of times. I was down most of times. I snapped at people. I stopped talking to some. I cried when I was alone. I cried in the parking lots. I stayed up at nights. I screamed when I knew there was no one to hear me. I had pretty dark thoughts. I felt worthless. I questioned my existence, my right to live, laugh or enjoy. I thought about good times in my past and thought how I could have felt happy then when I am so miserable now. I hated meeting people for fear of answering questions.

Some people questioned my bitterness and told me everything will be ok. Some read through this misery and told me everything will be ok. I wondered whether I was really so cheerful generally that I can't even hide my misery and fake happiness. If the tough times were a test of strength of my character, I don't think I will give myself a passing grade. I always thought of myself as better than that. I took pride in hiding my emotions.

What crushes me is that some of the worst is over, and now I don't have my misery as an excuse. Will my behavior change or is this bitterness here to stay?

Where there is a will too

 Just re-read my previous post and I realize that it comes across as saying that I think nothing of myself (even though that's exactly what I say) but that probably doesn't capture what I want to express.

I just think I am not very special. For what it is worth, I don't think anyone is. If anyone tells me that they are special because they went to so and so school or because they worked at so and so company, my thought is that there were scores before you and there will probably be scores after you. What's the big deal? It's not even about humility. I am not exactly humble. I am just genuinely amused when anyone praises me. Not saying that I don't like it, I do. I actually think - wow, how shitty has your experience been? Do I need to take off my rose tinted glasses?

None of this is making any sense...