Mirror mirror on the wall...

 ...who is this stranger staring at me?

 The big layoffs happened at work. Should have made me worried about my job but weirdly it has made me bolder and given me a devil-may-care attitude. I have almost fought with a peer (granted, she is a fucking moron) and given a "piece of my mind" to a CxO. I feel like it is a weird Office Space moment. I just don't care enough. It might be high time I bail. The only thing holding me back is that this job is way too easy, my boss doesn't have their hand in my cookie jar and my team thinks I am awesome!

I am not even looking but I am getting an inbound interest a week. I am high on confidence but I think I shouldn't wait too long to see if I am really "wanted". There is always the fear of leaving a cushy job and trying to prove yourself anew but the money here is just not worth it. 

Totally unrelated to all this, a weird kind of dissonance has set in. Hard to describe, but my own name feels alien to me. There is no identity crisis or any such shit but I feel weird when someone uses my name to say anything about me (good or bad). Have I really been addressed by that name for decades now? How does that name not feel my own then? I should have been really used to it by now.

Most days, I don't recognize myself. When did I become so easy to talk to? When did I become the talker? When did I become the conversation initiator or the small-talker? I used to be very uncomfortable in social situations, when did the script change? How did I become the person who wants to keep in touch? Maybe, this is the flare up before the flare out!

Totally unrelated but thought of the lines from the play I saw in London forever ago...

If you are who you are,

because of who you are,

then you are who you are. 

But, if you are who you are,

because of who I am, 

then you are who I am.

Roll of the dice

 An interesting week at work...

I had to let go of about 20% of my team to "help us become profitable". I think, across the entire company, I was talked with delivering the message to the largest number of people. Lot of people reached out to ask how I was after having to go through so many heart wrenching calls. Funny thing is - I was fine. I was more than fine. I didn't feel a thing. Is it because I believe this team won't be my problem for the long term? The management is clear that we have to sell this company and run...

I relayed some of the experiences from my conversations in a team call and that led my boss to break down on a team call. It was awkward but I didn't have half of those emotions. Wonder what it says about me. 

Oddly enough, I was pretty confident that I won't be part of this reduction and also felt like I didn't give a shit if I was. Being the sole earner of the family, I should not have been so nonchalant about not having a paycheck. Maybe it was the knowledge of being part of some strategic accounts that gave me the confidence. Regardless, the runway is short...

I spent most of the way thinking what I should do for my next steps (as everyone was thinking that I was coping with the heaviness of delivering the message)... I am very comfortable and secure here but there is no financial upside. A recruiter reached out for an opportunity. Interesting but not not interesting enough. I think.

Later in the week, I came to know that my boss is possibly not as financially secure as I would think someone in that position to be. One thought led to another and I wondered about my choice of life partner. 

There was this person who was my default crush for way too long. I hear she is practically living on a separate floor from her husband in the same house and goes for vacations with different people. She quit her job soon after marrying him and let him be the boss. She told me she was in love with him - how did things go wrong!!

Then there was this person who was either a very close friend or the "one that got away". After getting married, she became a homemaker and let go of all the potential she had.

Then there is this person, aka my wife, I married after a short courtship period. She loves me like crazy, still thinks that the other women in the world are out to steal me (me?????) from her. She is ambitious, she has done well in her career and, even though this break has been a longer than it should have been, I know she will get back on her feet.

Do I appreciate what I have or do I chase/ruminate about what I don't?