The answer, my friend...

... is that I don't have many friends. No one to call, no one to go out with, no one to discuss my hope and my dreams, my fears and insecurities with.

I have always had many acquaintances but very few friends. Over the years, I have lost quite a few of those that I did have, some over trivial matters, some over not-so-trivial ones.

 I often talk to people who say they meet with their school/college friends regularly. I have one friend left from my school days- we talk to each other twice a year - on his birthday and on mine. Just 3 college friends left. Great friends but spread over 3 different continents - one of the them I haven't met in 20+ years, others just once each in the last 5 years. Mostly because they made the effort to come to where I was. The "college reunion trip" just never materializes. 

My better half keeps in touch with her college friends. 2 of them live close by. Even thought they meet only a couple of times a year, it's still better than me meeting my friends once in 5 years. The only people I meet regularly is my sibling. Some sort-of-friends meet a couple times a year but they are mostly couple friends rather than ones I can have a friday night drink with.

 I try and meet up with people when I am in a new city but these are just work acquaintances. I used to be horrible with keeping in touch but I try and be better. When we were in Seattle, I looked forward to our weekly tennis games and the once-in-few-months "boys night out". I haven't had one of those in over 13 years now.  Well, the last life-long friend I made was over 30 years ago. I just have 4 friends to show for 50years of life on this planet.

Reminds me of this line ...."Itne log to hain, phir tanha kyon ho?" - there are so many people around you, why do you still feel lonely?

Still searching for the answer, my friend...

The fire is still there...

About 6-7 weeks into the new gig and the fire is burning brighter than ever. So much to fix, so little time to do it in. I still have the confidence that I can do it all and the imposter syndrome is sleeping so far. Adrenaline is high and I almost feel I am not fixing things fast enough. That I got a long desired trip to Australia under my belt last week just makes me feel so much more pumped.

Problems remain...I am moving way faster than most everyone in the group. I fear that I might get settled in the groove and lose the drive so I want to make the difference before that happens. Also, my boss is on thin ice. Less worried about him but more about his replacement if it happens. Good equation with my skip so far though. Giving me the freedom to make the changes and make the difference. 

If, in the next year, I am able to achieve half the things I put in my deck this week, I will come out pretty good on the other side. This week, I couldn't sleep well - not because I was stressed but, while lying in bed, I was coming up with things to do. Almost thought about jumping on the laptop in the middle of the night and getting ahead of things. This was a long and tiring week but I had a sense of accomplishment at the end of it. A good week after a very very very long time.

I haven't been this excited about work in a long long time. I am going at it with the energy I didn't know I had. It is almost as if I am running out of time...

 

Here we go again

Two weeks into the new gig and the day of the first paycheck. Woohoo and all that..!!!

The imposter syndrome hasn't hit yet though there is a ton here that I haven't not done earlier. However, I somehow feel confident that this is all solvable. I just need to go about it methodically and, to a certain extent, ruthlessly. I don't have enough of a career left to be nice to all folks. I still feel that the money doesn't compensate for what all I need to solve here.

Not that I had any other offer in hand but looking at how other companies are dealing in thousands and millions and getting good press while I am counting pennies makes me wonder if this was the right decision in the long term. I think I can spin this eventually to my benefit if I can get a decent tenure here. My thought is to pay my dues for, say, 2 years to buff up my resume and try and get a title bump. Even if not, I should be looking elsewhere to get the money piece. 

Feels good to be employed though. Just about 12-15years to go though

A beginning, and an end

Took a while, but I have signed an offer! 8 months to the day. Much less than what it took last time but 8 long months still. Huge relief though. The knowledge that a paycheck is just a few weeks away is a different kind of confidence boost.

Mixed feelings about this one. The money ain't that great but the title is an improvement. The company is also less well known than the last one so I wonder if it will impact the next search. The stocks are practically worthless. In a weird way, if I stay here longer (and get a promotion or two), the gig will be worthwhile but if I make it a short term gig and go elsewhere in a year or two, I have a potential to make more money sooner.

As it is, the two unemployment stints of 1yr8months collectively have cost a substantial amount in lifetime earnings. Though it is easy to question the decisions in hindsight, I don't have any other options right now. I am horrible during the interview process and I know that's the reason I lost a few gigs I would have earned more money at (though I would have been downright miserable at some of them).

On top of that, with the start date only 2 weeks away, the imposter syndrome is raising it's ugly head. The "what if" and the "what if I can't" and the "what if they were right" questions are already popping in my head. I have to work hard and be a better version of myself and prove them all wrong.

The next search will be harder and with just 12-15years to go in my career, I need to try and get a paycheck during most, if not all of them.