Story of a decade...

 So... a decade has gone by since I decided to impart words of wisdom to my younger self. Here, then, is an addition to what I will tell me younger self...

The 40 year old me

• You are about to embark on the best phase of your career journey. This will be a high watermark for years to come
• The best job will come with another low point in the personal life. You will receive the "second call" and realize that if your genetics have their say, there is more behind you than ahead of you
•  The world will go to hell and high basket and you will go along with it. You will question your self worth. You will question your worth as the provider. Learn to measure it in the love from the near and dear ones rather than the numerals on the paycheck. Learn that it is not about who provided, the important thing is that someone is. Ego doesn't pay for groceries.
• Dark, very dark, very very dark days are ahead. Try not to let them change you forever. There is a part of you that probably will.
  
• A forced long break between jobs after about 20 years of no break may seem like a godsend and jarring at the same time. Pick a lane
  
• There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. The jobs get harder from here.... you will be tested. you will reconsider, you will suffer, you will suffer some more, you will suffer a lot but you will come out  the other side with your honor and your confidence intact
• The next setback will hurt so much less because you are worth so much more and you know it... 
• You are getting older, cherish every moment, dread every medical test. Who knows when the latter kills the former. 
• Learn to live for today. Enjoy every road trip, remember every moment with family. Take lots of pictures
• You will lose some friends and some people you thought were friends. Learn to loom past the history and understand that the you cannot live your life for others
• You will be fine financially but you will never be crazy rich. You will never get fuck-you-money. Don't lose the time you have for the one you won't 
• The one that got away really didn't. Never was yours to lose. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask not what if but what if not?

The now me

• If the genetic math tracks, enjoy this damn decade. Might be your last full one
• If the morbid math tracks, hope that damn phone doesn't ring
• If the familial math tracks, the scorecard is holding up, just about. All in all, you barely scored passing marks as a son and a brother, probably above average as a husband and a dad, somewhere in between as a friend. Keep it that way

The honeymoon continues...

About 3 months into the new gig and the imposter syndrome is still MIA. Is that really a good thing.

I am still pumped about the work and everything I need to fix. Some complacency set in this week with the multiple people that I had to chase to get some simple things done but after talking to my boss, i am back to feeling empowered again. There is a bit of a feeling about being in a lot of things but not making enough of a difference but I try to tell myself that it is too soon to judge.

After a long long time, I feel supported, I feel empowered and I have to pinch myself to see if it is really true. The last job has made me so wary that I always think that something bad is around the corner. 

If someone from my previous jobs were to encounter me now, I bet they won't recognize this new aggressive me. I am not willing to make the same mistakes again. I will not hire my backup and I will not let a bad team member poison the whole group. 

It's probably not real and I shouldn't jinx it but I am loving it!!!

 

 

 

The answer, my friend...

... is that I don't have many friends. No one to call, no one to go out with, no one to discuss my hope and my dreams, my fears and insecurities with.

I have always had many acquaintances but very few friends. Over the years, I have lost quite a few of those that I did have, some over trivial matters, some over not-so-trivial ones.

 I often talk to people who say they meet with their school/college friends regularly. I have one friend left from my school days- we talk to each other twice a year - on his birthday and on mine. Just 3 college friends left. Great friends but spread over 3 different continents - one of the them I haven't met in 20+ years, others just once each in the last 5 years. Mostly because they made the effort to come to where I was. The "college reunion trip" just never materializes. 

My better half keeps in touch with her college friends. 2 of them live close by. Even thought they meet only a couple of times a year, it's still better than me meeting my friends once in 5 years. The only people I meet regularly is my sibling. Some sort-of-friends meet a couple times a year but they are mostly couple friends rather than ones I can have a friday night drink with.

 I try and meet up with people when I am in a new city but these are just work acquaintances. I used to be horrible with keeping in touch but I try and be better. When we were in Seattle, I looked forward to our weekly tennis games and the once-in-few-months "boys night out". I haven't had one of those in over 13 years now.  Well, the last life-long friend I made was over 30 years ago. I just have 4 friends to show for 50years of life on this planet.

Reminds me of this line ...."Itne log to hain, phir tanha kyon ho?" - there are so many people around you, why do you still feel lonely?

Still searching for the answer, my friend...

The fire is still there...

About 6-7 weeks into the new gig and the fire is burning brighter than ever. So much to fix, so little time to do it in. I still have the confidence that I can do it all and the imposter syndrome is sleeping so far. Adrenaline is high and I almost feel I am not fixing things fast enough. That I got a long desired trip to Australia under my belt last week just makes me feel so much more pumped.

Problems remain...I am moving way faster than most everyone in the group. I fear that I might get settled in the groove and lose the drive so I want to make the difference before that happens. Also, my boss is on thin ice. Less worried about him but more about his replacement if it happens. Good equation with my skip so far though. Giving me the freedom to make the changes and make the difference. 

If, in the next year, I am able to achieve half the things I put in my deck this week, I will come out pretty good on the other side. This week, I couldn't sleep well - not because I was stressed but, while lying in bed, I was coming up with things to do. Almost thought about jumping on the laptop in the middle of the night and getting ahead of things. This was a long and tiring week but I had a sense of accomplishment at the end of it. A good week after a very very very long time.

I haven't been this excited about work in a long long time. I am going at it with the energy I didn't know I had. It is almost as if I am running out of time...

 

Here we go again

Two weeks into the new gig and the day of the first paycheck. Woohoo and all that..!!!

The imposter syndrome hasn't hit yet though there is a ton here that I haven't not done earlier. However, I somehow feel confident that this is all solvable. I just need to go about it methodically and, to a certain extent, ruthlessly. I don't have enough of a career left to be nice to all folks. I still feel that the money doesn't compensate for what all I need to solve here.

Not that I had any other offer in hand but looking at how other companies are dealing in thousands and millions and getting good press while I am counting pennies makes me wonder if this was the right decision in the long term. I think I can spin this eventually to my benefit if I can get a decent tenure here. My thought is to pay my dues for, say, 2 years to buff up my resume and try and get a title bump. Even if not, I should be looking elsewhere to get the money piece. 

Feels good to be employed though. Just about 12-15years to go though

A beginning, and an end

Took a while, but I have signed an offer! 8 months to the day. Much less than what it took last time but 8 long months still. Huge relief though. The knowledge that a paycheck is just a few weeks away is a different kind of confidence boost.

Mixed feelings about this one. The money ain't that great but the title is an improvement. The company is also less well known than the last one so I wonder if it will impact the next search. The stocks are practically worthless. In a weird way, if I stay here longer (and get a promotion or two), the gig will be worthwhile but if I make it a short term gig and go elsewhere in a year or two, I have a potential to make more money sooner.

As it is, the two unemployment stints of 1yr8months collectively have cost a substantial amount in lifetime earnings. Though it is easy to question the decisions in hindsight, I don't have any other options right now. I am horrible during the interview process and I know that's the reason I lost a few gigs I would have earned more money at (though I would have been downright miserable at some of them).

On top of that, with the start date only 2 weeks away, the imposter syndrome is raising it's ugly head. The "what if" and the "what if I can't" and the "what if they were right" questions are already popping in my head. I have to work hard and be a better version of myself and prove them all wrong.

The next search will be harder and with just 12-15years to go in my career, I need to try and get a paycheck during most, if not all of them.