Here we go again

Two weeks into the new gig and the day of the first paycheck. Woohoo and all that..!!!

The imposter syndrome hasn't hit yet though there is a ton here that I haven't not done earlier. However, I somehow feel confident that this is all solvable. I just need to go about it methodically and, to a certain extent, ruthlessly. I don't have enough of a career left to be nice to all folks. I still feel that the money doesn't compensate for what all I need to solve here.

Not that I had any other offer in hand but looking at how other companies are dealing in thousands and millions and getting good press while I am counting pennies makes me wonder if this was the right decision in the long term. I think I can spin this eventually to my benefit if I can get a decent tenure here. My thought is to pay my dues for, say, 2 years to buff up my resume and try and get a title bump. Even if not, I should be looking elsewhere to get the money piece. 

Feels good to be employed though. Just about 12-15years to go though

A beginning, and an end

Took a while, but I have signed an offer! 8 months to the day. Much less than what it took last time but 8 long months still. Huge relief though. The knowledge that a paycheck is just a few weeks away is a different kind of confidence boost.

Mixed feelings about this one. The money ain't that great but the title is an improvement. The company is also less well known than the last one so I wonder if it will impact the next search. The stocks are practically worthless. In a weird way, if I stay here longer (and get a promotion or two), the gig will be worthwhile but if I make it a short term gig and go elsewhere in a year or two, I have a potential to make more money sooner.

As it is, the two unemployment stints of 1yr8months collectively have cost a substantial amount in lifetime earnings. Though it is easy to question the decisions in hindsight, I don't have any other options right now. I am horrible during the interview process and I know that's the reason I lost a few gigs I would have earned more money at (though I would have been downright miserable at some of them).

On top of that, with the start date only 2 weeks away, the imposter syndrome is raising it's ugly head. The "what if" and the "what if I can't" and the "what if they were right" questions are already popping in my head. I have to work hard and be a better version of myself and prove them all wrong.

The next search will be harder and with just 12-15years to go in my career, I need to try and get a paycheck during most, if not all of them.

Time happens...

 Well...the last post wasn't the last post it seems. Looks like I have one more in me. Wondered if I should do it this week or next but who knows what the next weekend will look like so this is might be the last one for the year.

I think I am at a point where counting in weeks doesn't make sense anymore. Months might be a better metric from now on. 7 is where we are right now.

On the positive side- there have been tons of interviews but nothing that has resulted in an offer. There aren't many weeks without an interviews but it is all pointless till I have an offer in hand. Sure, some are the kid of jobs that would have crushed the soul very soon after starting but I wonder if it would be any worse than the soul crushing time right now. The perspective has changed since spouse lost her job. 

The interview process has been eye-opening. Sometimes I am aware that I am begging and I feel pathetic but what choice do I have? 

I think, most of my life, I have cared very little about what anyone thinks about me. However, 2 job losses in 5 years makes me wonder what my kids think about me. In due time, I hope they will understand that no matter now incompetent flawed their father is/was, he is still a good human being.

The saga continues...

 26 weeks and counting...

No light at the end of the tunnel. Not even the light from an oncoming train. Maybe the oncoming train is behind me. My better half lost her job yesterday. The severance will see us through a few weeks but future is a big bad unknown after that.

With each passing week, it is harder to keep the morale (up) but I keep trying. On my daily walks, with time to contemplate, there are occasions where I feel I am trying to walk through a knee deep sea of molasses. Every step feels too heavy, every breath feels too labored and every heartbeat feels like it is trying to pump more than it is capable of. 

If it wasn't for the family, I might have given up already though I would have had a smaller cushion so maybe not. Conversely, without the family, I may have felt less of a failure. What I am saying is that it is hard, would have been hard, regardless of the state. 

I still don't know where and when this will end. Almost makes you wonder about the choices you make in life. 

This maybe the last post of the year...

Let there be light... at the end of this tunnel

Some 16-17 weeks into being unemployed, the truth is starting to hurt. There are lots of moments of self doubt. There are lots of times when I start to think that maybe, just maybe, the detractors were right. 

There have been some rays of hope but there always have been many slips 'tween the cup and the lip. As I heard recently - it is not the despair that kills you, it's the hope. I have been trying to keep my tits chin up but it is hard at times. 

 I went to Boulder for a literature festival recently. It was good to get away from the constant search for the job but most of the weekend was spent questioning myself on what right do I have to spend the money and enjoy myself when I am not earning. The spouse has been a lot more supportive this time around than than the last but I am always fearful on when her patience will run out.

Also attended a conference recently. Big ego boost to present and have people come to me for "my experience". Felt like an imposter all the time and had to go against the grain to network but it was a good break from the routine.

Anyway, on the positive side, this was a better week. 3 irons in the fire. I hope I am able to close 1 or more of them. Has done the confidence a whole lot of good. I hope I am in a position to choose and, if so, I choose wisely. Not for what might look good to others but what is best for me...

 

 

For my daughter

Here's something I have been writing (and refining) for a while now. I intend to give this to my daughter at her college graduation. If, for some reason, I am not around for the graduation AND have enough forewarning, I would arrange for it to be read on the day of... (yeah, melodramatic but I have to prepare for all eventualities). I am not sure why I decided to post it here for no one will ever get to read it but here goes...

R-

Don’t be afraid to spread your wings
What matters is not that they are made of wax
But that you are able to take flight

Don’t be afraid to push every boulder
What matters is not that it rolls down 
But that you are able to push it uphill

Don’t be afraid to break through those ceilings
What matters is not that they are made of glass
But that you know only kryptonite can stop you

Don’t be afraid to claim your seat
What matters is not that it is on a bus
But that they dare say you can't have it

Don’t be afraid to set sail for new frontiers
What matters is not what lies beyond
But that you aren’t afraid to fall off the edge

Don’t be afraid to conquer every mountain
 What matters is not that they are high
 But that they are there, and in your way

Don’t be afraid to challenge the seas
What matters is not that whether you can part it
But that everyone trusts you to show the way

But, above all, don’t be afraid to take that first step
For what matters is not where you end up
But that you undertook the journey at all

Go,
flap your wings,
cause some hurricanes!

The double black diamond slope of job search

Something like 8-9 weeks of being unemployed and I got the crisis of confidence today after I got a rejection notice from a position that I was pinning a lot of hopes on and that was damn near perfect for me (and I, for it).

While I understand that this game is loaded in favor of the employer, it just sucks that it is such a terrible process. Oh well, I will have to dust myself off and march on come next week. I just have to make sure that I don't fall in the trap of pitying myself and take something that is not the right next level.

In times like these, you almost start believing the naysayers. Maybe you do suck. Maybe you have already hit the max level of what you can be. Maybe you are too lazy to help yourself. But then I see people who are at a much higher level than me with much less experience and it just blows my mind. Some of it just comes down to how well you can fake it. None of it makes sense anymore. I am in a much better headspace than last time though so there is hope. Yet...

Are we there yet?

 So... I am at about the 6-week-jobless mark and it is getting to the point where there are more valleys than crests. 

Mondays are hard, very hard. The whole empty yawning week stands there waiting to consume you. It used to get easier as the week progressed but this friday was hard too. 

In all fairness, I have had 4 opportunities in these 6 weeks which is not bad at all but what did coke (or Pepsi) say way back when in one of their Olympic commercials - you don't win silver, you lose gold. These numbers don't mean shit till I close on one of these opportunities on my own terms.

Family support has been crucial and instrumental in helping me keep my sanity but it might get tougher with every month. I still don't know if I am doing the right things (in the right amount) or waiting for things to happen to me. There is a part of me that wants to start a new gig before Aug and show my previous boss that I came out ahead and there is another part that says wait for the right one no matter how long it takes. 

I am trying to put a brave face for the family but there are times when I do hyper ventilate. I am confident that I will land something but it is this unknown wait that is killing me. What is it that someone said... 

Rakh chahe meri taqdeer pe apna akhtiyaar

par mere naseeb mein kya hai, ek baar bata to de

 You can control my destiny if you so desire

But atleast let me know what lies ahead for me

Whenever one door closes...

 ....does one more open? I guess only time will tell.

Today marks the final day at the job after 3 years and 3 weeks. This was by far one of the hardest jobs I have ever done. Was the reward worth the pain? Hard to say now. Maybe in due time I will know if the time I spent here made me do better in future or would I have done the same regardless.

There is a unexplainable but palpable sense of relief on getting to this ending. The writing had been on the wall for a while. I just wished I got the chance to quit before the "mutually agreed" separation happened. Though, if I am able to find a new gig in the next couple of months, I will be coming out ahead.

The stress of dealing with the current management was getting too much to bear. We couldn't see eye to eye for a while and it is a miracle that it stretched for this long. I had enough support from peers and team but the management support is what matters at the end of the day. Every week was just hard to go through. Every day felt like a slog. Some of the criticism hurt though. What is it they say about the criticism that hurts the most is the one that echoes the self-condemnation?

A few people have commented that I look relieved. I feel relieved. Maybe I should be more stressed than I am. Somehow, this time around, I feel a little more confident than the last time. We will see if this unemployment stretches too long. I might have a different opinion then.

I felt quite overwhelmed by all the support I got on my departure. Some were expected, some were not. Some were genuine, some felt forced. Guess I can't win them all.

I imagined this post to be more profound than factual but I am coming up short on what to say. Maybe more next time...

Still missing you...

I don't think I have harbored any illusions that my dad and I were anything more than father and son. We never did progress to being "friends". Maybe we could have but time is fickle.

I somehow have very few memories of him and know that we didn't spend a lot of quality time together. But, for some reason, last few days I have been recalling some time that we did get to spend together. couple of instances stand out:

1. I was very young, probably not even in me teens yet. You will take me with you to Sirhind Club. You will have your whiskey there and get me a Lime Juice Cordial. I loved loved loved it. And I will have french fries with it. I have no recollection of who you would have a drink with but I do know there was someone else. I don't recall how many times it even happened. I can recall maybe 1-2 instances. Was that it or were there more? 

I have been trying to imagine the conversation that would have prompted me accompanying you. Was it you asking me if I wanted to tag along or did I insist on tagging along or did mummy ask you to take me with you. Somehow, all scenarios seem as likely as they seem unlikely. I am frustrated that I can't remember more. I am frustrated that I didn't cherish those times. Why do I remember the lime juice cordial and the french fries more than those precious hours. I just never ever had lime juice cordial again. I don't even know how to make it but the name is seared in the memory. 

2. I was in my teens and we went on a road trip while you were visiting some of the people you did business with. This required multiple stops across the state. At that time, the state had some amazing hotels for tourists. I recall that they were named after the native birds of the region. I recall some of the establishments. I recall a couple of shops we went to. I recall a couple of things you bought for me. Why can't I recall a single conversation you and I had? I am sure we talked during those many days on the trip. We did. Didn't we? 

I have no recollection of any meal we had together. Did you ask me what I would have liked to eat? Or did you decide what we should? I think I forced you to go to one of the resorts which was out of your way because there was a big fair in that city and you agreed. Was there just one trip or were there multiple. I think more than 1 but memories are all jumbled together.

Did I take books with me to read? Or did we actually talk during those trips? Again, what was the conversation that would have prompted me accompanying you. Was it you asking me if I wanted to tag along or did I insist on tagging along or did mummy ask you to take me with you. Was it the summer break or was it school time. Somehow, all scenarios seem as likely as they seem unlikely. I am frustrated that I remember the rooms better than our conversation. I am frustrated that I can remember the shop better than I can remember the meals we would have had together. I am frustrated that I have no recollection of how we did the packing? Did I pack my clothes separately or together? 

Was this the trip where you figured out that I am unfit to take over the family business? Was this the trip where you realized that your brother's son was probably the son you don't have? That your son was better off charting his own course than yours? Sorry if I didn't pass the test I was unaware I was taking on that trip.

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I can't remember better.

Consciously or sub-consciously, I have tried to create more memories with my kids. I hope they don't struggle to recall happy moments when I am gone.